Update

I have been thinking recently about how long it's been since I've posted...and wanting to give you all an update.

In one way, time has flown by, and I am having a hard time believing it is April already! Yet in another way, it feels like I have been married longer than three months. It has been such a natural, wonderful transition.

I used to wonder if married life was really as good as I imagined...used to wonder about those beautiful betrothal stories I heard. What about life after the wedding? Is it still just as good? I looked around at many friends who have done things this way and have seen beautiful fruit from their relationship. Yet I still wondered...

Every day, I am in awe and amazed at what my Heavenly Father has done in my life. I am so extremely happy with Tyler, so loved, so secure, so blessed by the unconditional love my beloved has for me. It has helped me catch a deeper glimpse of Father God's unfailing, unchanging love. Each day, I fall deeper in love with Tyler, and yet I keep wondering how that can happen! It feels impossible to love him any more than I do, yet with each passing day, I find our love goes a little deeper, a little farther. I believe that since both of us had to wait quite a while before finding each other, that we both have a depth of appreciation and awe in our relationship borne out of that waiting period.

To all of you who prayed me to this point...thank you. Thank you for standing with me, for praying for me, for encouraging me to not give up. I am finding that even now, I have to remind myself to keep trusting in the unfailing love and goodness of our Father. I am still dealing with very challenging health issues on a daily basis, and too often I give in to tears, overwhelmed by pain or exhaustion or disappointment. Yet I know whom I have believed, and I know He has my future in His hands! So many things I can't understand, yet I know He knows. There were many dark, low times last year when it felt like I was forgotten, left behind...yet in the midst of that, the Father was working and weaving a beautiful story in my life. I can see some of that now, and it encourages me to keep holding on, keep pressing in, keep trusting. 

Tyler and I have been in Canada for the past 7 weeks, visiting with his family, and trying to wrap up some business. I have really enjoyed the change of scenery, as there was lots of snow on the ground most of the time we were here! Much of it is gone now, and I am hearing reports of 70 degree weather in TN, so I guess Spring has come :-)

I am looking forward to seeing many of you at Family week!

We don't have access to a computer that will support downloading all the pictures from our wedding, but here are a few for now :-)

Be encouraged and reminded, each of you, of just how much your Heavenly Father loves you. 

Much love,

Abby

Betrothal Story

I have some amazing, incredible news to share...I am getting married! Some of you heard my story in person a few weeks back, but I have been wanting to try and put it in writing. What an incredible journey this has been so far; looking back over this past year, I can see at least a part of how the Father has been working each detail to weave a beautiful story.

May this be an encouragement to all of us to keep trusting Him...there are still things I don't understand, but I know our Father knows what He is doing! May He keep us faithful to Himself!  Since you all have read and walked with me through many tears and trying to make sense of things, I wanted to share some of these pieces to the story that I have been able to see so far.

During these past several years, I have struggled greatly with my desire to be married.  The longing to be a wife and mother has been a desire of my heart for as long as I can remember, and so when year after year passed, and I attended wedding after wedding, while at the same time being so very sick, I felt like my dreams were being constantly denied. Over and over I laid it down at the Father's feet, begging for strength to carry on, that He would be my all-in-all, and that He would even take those desires away if they were not His will for me. Somewhere along the way, I became convinced no one could ever want me...I looked at my life and saw a terrible sickness, struggles and discouragement, and a girl whose body felt "old before her time".  While I couldn't ever get my heart to stop hoping, I really didn't think that it was possible for someone to see beauty in my life. Off and on, I did pray that if it was the Father's will, He would bring me a man of great tenderness and compassion, one who was sensitive and gentle, and someone who would want me now, even before I was fully well. I knew if that happened, it would bring great reassurance to my heart, a sense of security...because if someone wanted me right now while struggling with a terrible illness, I felt like I could rest in knowing that no matter what came along, he would be by my side.

On October 11th, I wrote this post about the wilderness after Mom called me from Israel, sharing a glimpse of something that had been highlighted in a tour while visiting a wilderness area. What she was able to share intrigued me so much that it made me start thinking, pondering, and praying as the Father began to reveal to me how He can bring beauty even in a wilderness. It also brought a renewed longing to press into Him as my Beloved, learning more of His heart and walking by His side day by day. I could only hope that this wilderness season would be over soon, but either way, I wanted to be close to His heart.

Two weeks later, I was taking care of some business on the computer when I accidentally stumbled across some information that completely shocked me. Turns out, one of the young men on the same trip to Israel that my Mom and siblings were on had asked for permission to marry me! Since I was not supposed to have found out about this yet, Mom and Dad asked me to just wait and keep quiet until Mom returned home.

So those next two weeks were spent in much prayer and handing everything over to my Heavenly Father, as I didn't even know who had asked at this point!

Mom and the children arrived home early one Thursday morning, and it was such a joy to be together again! The next evening, after Shabbat dinner, Mom and Dad took me in the bedroom and told me that it was Tyler Falk who had asked for permission to marry me.

For those of you not familiar with betrothal, it is very different from courtship in the sense that it is not a "trial" basis, or even a "getting to know you to see if this will work for marriage". Through study of the Scriptures, prayer, and the testimony of friends who have done things this way, we had come to the conclusion that as we sought God's will, He would make it perfectly clear! First, the young man would pray about it extensively, bringing his parents in at some point, then when all three of them were sure, they would approach the girl's parents. After that, she would be approached, and the final decision would be up to her. That way, emotions aren't involved until everyone is sure of the Father's will. There is so much security in that, because by the time the girl is ready to make a decision, there has been confirmation from all authorities involved!

It turns out that Tyler first "noticed" me at a fellowship meeting 3 years ago...he was down from Canada for a short time, and amazingly enough, attended one of the few meetings that I was attending at the time, because of being so sick. Unsure of whether his interest in me was just a fleshly desire or not, he tried to put the matter aside for the time being. Last winter, his relationship with my brother Luke really grew, and that was when he felt led to begin praying about me in earnest. The Father worked it out for him to come spend a week at our house to help my brother finish up a documentary he was producing, and so, without us having a clue of what was going on, he was able to "check out" our family. This part is very amazing to me, as this was one of my low points physically. He arrived at our house a week after I had been in the ER with an allergic reaction to my medication; I still had the PICC line in my arm, and was pretty sick. I rested in my room the majority of the time, but did come out to help cook for everyone and eat meals together. I am amazed to know that he still had a desire to pursue me even with my state of health. Tyler wanted his parents to meet me and my family, and so he arranged a hasty visit to TN in July, visiting several friends in the area so as to not raise suspicion. Again, we did not know anything at the time, and thought they were just coming for a visit! After his parents received confirmation on that trip, he finally felt a release to talk to my Dad at the end of October.

After Mom and Dad approached me with this, we all spent the next two weeks praying earnestly and intensely. I spent a lot of time talking with my parents, read some emails exchanged between them and Tyler, and spent much time in prayer. I had a lot of peace about it from the very beginning. I had "noticed" Tyler briefly while he spent time at our house last spring, thinking that he could be someone I could consider, but I never allowed myself to dwell on that possibility, as I wanted to keep my heart for the man God had for me. As I prayed, and learned more about Tyler; his personality, his past, and the things God had brought him through, I kept getting more and more confirmation that truly, he was the one the Father had been preparing for me!

After Mom and Dad gave me their blessing, I was fully released to keep praying and come to a decision myself. God gave me the confirmation I needed, and I knew beyond a doubt, that Tyler was ordained to be my husband! After telling my parents, they set up a FaceTime call so Tyler could ask me personally. Since he was in a different country, we were thankful for the technology that allowed us to at least see each other...so he was able to propose to me and I said yes!

We decided that we wanted to have our betrothal the first time we saw one another in person, as we both knew that once the commitment was sealed, we would be free to open up emotionally and give our hearts to each other.

And so to make a long story short(er), my family drove up to Canada and I was betrothed to Tyler Falk! The wedding is set for January 12th, here in Tennessee. Click here to view the invitation. If you would like to come, please let us know, as we are trying to keep track of RSVPs. You are all invited!

Tyler is in Canada wrapping things up, and we have decided we will not see each other again until the wedding, a picture of how we will not see Yeshua's face until He returns for His bride! The intensity of emotions are building up, and it will be a glorious day when we are united and made one. Every day that goes by, I am more and more amazed at this amazing gift my Father has given me...Tyler is the man I have prayed about for so many years, though I didn't know who he was. He has far exceeded my dreams and expectations, and I am in awe at what God has done. Even things I didn't pray for...just desires of my heart, my Father saw those and gave me more than I could have asked for in Tyler!

Much as I was hoping that things with my health would keep getting better as I approach this next season in my life, I have again been faced with reality, these past few weeks bringing along some pretty intense pain and weakness/dizziness, along with other symptoms. However, Tyler's care and commitment to me throughout this has brought incredible healing and reassurance to my heart, despite my tendency to worry or feel guilty or ashamed of my health.  What a picture he has been to me of my Father's love and compassion! And how I have been convicted to keep laying everything down before my Father, trusting Him to keep and carry me, and to continue to work everything out according to His plan. He has done an incredible work in my life already, and I know He has all things in His hands. I am completely overwhelmed at His faithfulness to His children!

"Come and hear, all you who fear God, And I will declare what He has done for my soul." Ps. 66:16

Update

I just posted a physical update on my Fundraiser site, so if you are interested, you can check it out here

This verse from Luke 12:32 has been comforting to me the past few weeks, and I have been quoting it often when I am tempted to be anxious 

"Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom."

Blessings to you all today! Be strong and courageous...

Wilderness

Dry. Barren. Desolate. Lonely. Unfruitful. Hot. Uncomfortable. These words come to mind when I think of "desert" or "wilderness".  

I've been wanting to write a follow-up to my last blog post, but just have not seemed able to get it together. I appreciate so much each one of you who left me a comment or sent an email; it encourages me so much to hear from you!

Honestly, last week I got hit pretty hard physically. I was left lying in bed, too dizzy and weak to hardly get out of bed, too sick to eat, talk, read, or even think really. It was a frightening time, as not only was my stomach acting up and I was growing weaker from being unable to eat, but my heart was acting crazy as well, and I was so dizzy and exhausted and in pain, and felt like I was barely making it through each day. It is all a blur, and I hardly even know how I got through. Someone maybe would mention my blog post, and I would struggle to think, what did I write about again?  Brain fog is one of the symptoms I experience on a regular basis that is very hard for me to deal with. Feeling like I just can't concentrate or think, trying to focus enough to read or pray, where everything seems fuzzy and cloudy and I just can't seem to pull myself together. I'm thankful for a place to record some of the lessons God is teaching me...I sometimes have to go back and read through my posts to encourage myself when I can hardly think straight! 

So this brings me back to the wilderness. I often feel like this season in my life is comparable to that wilderness. Don't get me wrong, our Father has blessed me abundantly, and I am so thankful for His love, care and provision, and the blessings He has poured out on me. But at the same time, one by one, my dreams and desires feel like they are being uprooted and crushed before me. Even this week, another dream had to die. I often feel alone, uncomfortable, barren, desolate, unfruitful...just like that wilderness. I was talking to Mom this morning, and she shared something out of Jeremiah 2 with me:

“Go and cry in the hearing of Jerusalem, saying, ‘Thus says the LORD:
“I remember you,
The kindness of your youth,
The love of your betrothal,
When you went after Me in the wilderness,
In a land not sown."

I had not paid much attention to this verse before, and when Mom mentioned it, it really struck something in me. Immediately, Song of Solomon 8:5 came to my mind, a verse that has greatly fascinated me for years.

"Who is this coming up from the wilderness,
Leaning upon her beloved?"

I've always been intrigued by this verse, as this is what I want! I want to come out of this wilderness, leaning on my Beloved. Or even if I have to stay here a long time, I want to be found leaning on Him. 

So here we have two aspects: we are to go after Him in the wilderness, and come out leaning upon Him! Oh how I long for that with everything that is in me! Another verse that came to mind that also seems to be a piece to the puzzle, is Deut. 32:10:

"He found him in a desert land,And in the wasteland, a howling wilderness;He encircled Him, He instructed Him,He kept Him as the apple of His eye."

Maybe this is part of the answer to my prayer of today...Oh Father, how do I go after You in the wilderness? How can I be found leaning on You, my Beloved?

So is it that as I go after Him, He finds me, encircles me, and leads me on, leaning on Him? Maybe this has something to do with Psalm 91 as well; abiding under His shelter, finding rest under His shadow? 

 I know so many of you are praying for me...can I ask that you would pray this for me specifically? That He would teach me how to go after Him in this wilderness? That I would be able to lean forevermore on my Beloved? That even when I'm experiencing brain fog, exhaustion, pain, sleeplessness, tears, confusion...even when I can't seem to hear or see or feel anything spiritually, that I would know that He is shadowing me and keeping me? Oh how I long for that!

Thank you for letting me share once again; it often helps me sort out my thoughts to start writing, and I am thankful for each thing the Father is teaching me along the way. Thank you all so much for your love and prayers!

Much love,
Abby

Ponderings

I have a hard time figuring myself out sometimes...wondering how I can go from feeling happy and at peace one moment, to feeling so alone and vulnerable the next. How I can feel like crying so easily, when I was fine moments ago. I feel like a little girl; and am so thankful that God calls Himself my Father over and over throughout His Word. He picks me up, carries me through, and oh so patiently and tenderly leads me and teaches me.

I was feeling that way this afternoon, and have had so many differing emotions! I have been pondering something deeply these last couple of days, and I am going to try to share it with you.

God gave me a revelation this week, that I suspect is going to be a turning point in my life. Once I start trying to explain it to people, I realize how simple it is, and it is humbling, because I realize just how narrow my thinking has been.

Conviction fell heavily the other day with this realization: I have been living as if this life is all there is. That sounds terrible for a believer in Yeshua to say, doesn't it? I trusted Him for my salvation, and looked forward to being with Him someday, but as far as the way I viewed my life right now, I realize I was too wrapped up to be able to see the bigger picture. I struggled so much with my desires and feelings...and fear. What if things never get better? What if I'm sick the rest of my life? What if I never get married and have to keep watching it happen to all my friends? The Bible talks about children of your youth; what if I never have children? What if my whole life is a waste?

With these temptations came an almost icy feeling in my chest...is all this for naught? Why would God give me dreams, desires and gifts and not allow me to fulfill them? I have felt like my youth, and my life really, has been wasted. I must confess that to my great dismay, I even had a hard time getting very excited about Yeshua's return, much as I wanted to...it seems wrapped in so much mystery, and I must say, a fear there too, that I would not be found worthy at His coming. 

I read an article the other day that really started me thinking about all of this. About the life that is coming; the life we will live when Yeshua sets us His Kingdom and we get to reign with Him! Suddenly, I felt like my whole thought process flipped upside-down. Wait a minute, why didn't I see this before? I can't know exact details about what life will be like, but I do know it will be wonderful and amazing. 

"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither has entered into the heart of man, the things that God has prepared for those who love Him."

We will be able to serve Him fully, with undivided love, and strong bodies. All the frustration I feel now because I can't serve Him like I want to, will be gone, and I will have a strong, healthy body, able to serve Him in strength and joy.  Surely there will be children to take care of...just because I am not able to have that desire realized right now, doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Is. 54:1 says, "'Sing, O barren, you who have not borne! Break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not labored with child. For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman,' says the LORD." 

Forgive me if this is a bit disjointed...I feel like my head is still spinning, and I think it will take time to sort this all out. Some things I came away with, though:

~Even though I will continue to hope and pray for healing, I realized something...even if I am sick the rest of my life, even if things never get easier, even if I never get married, never have children, it's okay. This is not the end, and my life will not have been wasted! Somehow, He has some work that I can do for Him now, even if it's not the way I imagined. 
And there is an amazing, glorious wedding coming that I can look forward to...and a glorious life with my King after that, with work to do for Him! My Bridegroom is coming, and suddenly I realize, it will all be worth it.

~Really for the first time, God allowed me to see at least part of the purpose of the suffering of the last few years. I know my flesh, and my tendency towards complacency...maybe if I had gotten what I wanted, I would have just settled down to a "normal" life. Instead, He has really driven it in my heart this week: this is not my home! I am just passing through, preparing for all eternity. 

"What joy for those whose strength comes from the LORD, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem." Ps. 84:5-7

Thank you, Father, for even this painful tool to save me from complacency. Forgive my selfishness, and help me to keep my eyes on You and Your plan!

~I have such a longing for Yeshua's return...I long to be with Him, to see His face, to walk the streets of Jerusalem where He is reigning as King! 

~I was reminded--again--that HE is the one who will preserve me for His coming. Yes, I must continue to walk in righteousness before Him, but I am not the one holding myself up. It says over and over throughout Scripture that HE keeps us from all evil, HE is preserving us, HE is able to keep that which I've committed to Him. 

"Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Yeshua Messiah. He who call you is faithful, who also will do it." 1 Thess. 5:23-24

I don't have to be afraid, because He is faithful!

This verse has been blessing me the last few days as well, because I feel like the Father is telling me that this is not in vain...

"But you, be strong and do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded!" 2 Chron. 15:7 

 Thank you for allowing me to share, and for bearing with me here...I feel like I couldn't do justice to what I've been learning, but I wanted to at least try to share. Maybe you are wondering why this is such a revelation for me, and why I didn't get this before. I feel so weak and unworthy, and am just amazed at the awesome faithfulness and trustworthiness of my Heavenly Father. He is so patient with me...I feel like one of the weakest of His children, yet He is leading me every step of the way, and continuing to teach me His ways. 

Many blessings and much love in Yeshua,
Abby

Hey Everyone,

It's hard to believe it is already September! I'm sorry for not updating you all in so long...this seems to have been a season of waiting for me...praying for direction regarding my health, resting in my Father's arms. The word He has given us lately has been to rest in Him, as He battles on our behalf. 

I am so grateful, awed, and humbled by the response I have gotten from my fundraiser so far...such an amazing blessing to see God meet my needs in this way; each time I get a donation or note of encouragement from someone, I feel like it is a personal reminder from Him that He has NOT forgotten about He, but that He has me in the palms of His hands. Thank you all for allowing Him to use you to bless me like that!

Sometimes waiting can be a hard thing...we all have our dreams and our plans--many times God-given dreams and plans--that we want to be carrying out. I find that being at home so sick, unable to do much, makes it easy to give in to doubt and fear.

Fear wants to come in and torment me about the future...what if things are always this way? What if they only get worse, not better? You feel like your youth has already been wasted, what if this is all there is?

Guilt wants me to believe that being so sick is all my fault. If only I had more faith, if only I didn't mess up so much. Those dreams you have, maybe you want them too much. Maybe this is a punishment!

Shame wants me to believe that my life is a waste because I can't serve God the way I long to. Your dear friends are going through a terrible trial right now, and you weren't even strong enough to stay and support them for more than a few days. You left when they needed you the most!

There are many other feelings as well, but the best way I've found to deal with these is with God's Word. He promises that His Word will not return to Him void! I am so thankful for the many precious promises He has given to me. He is trustworthy, and I am so honored to be His daughter. I've really been blessed by Lamentations chapter 3 lately...many of the verses describe exactly how I feel.

"And I said, 'My strength and my hope have perished from the LORD...this I recall to mind, therefore I have hope. Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I hope in Him!' The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him...for the LORD will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. For He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men...I called on Your Name, O LORD, from the lowest pit. You have heard my voice: 'do not hide Your ear from my sighing, from my cry for help.' You drew near on the day I called on You, and said, 'Do not fear!'"

So many things going on that I don't understand...and I can't try to understand. It is enough to know that my Father understands and knows all things, and He is directing and orchestrating things according to His will. I just have to rest in Him and what He is doing. Please pray for me, that I would have the strength to hold on to Him and His promises!

Physically, I'm still struggling very much with a whole host of debilitating symptoms. I have 3 different doctor's appointments in this next week or two, and so I would really appreciate all of your prayers for wisdom and direction, clarity of mind, and that the Father would lead and guide me in the way I should go. I see a gastroenterologist this week, and then next week a neurologist and my regular Lyme doctor. I am really praying for more specific answers! 

I know I have shared a lot of songs with you all...but the truth is, the Father has so many times used these songs in my life. One of the symptoms I experience is brain fog/trouble thinking/focusing, and oftentimes when that hits, I can hardly think or even pray. Many times these songs have ministered to me, as I have sung them back to the Lord. Sometimes I have to declare out loud, "Yes Lord, I choose to believe, I choose to trust you, You are faithful, You are good, You are kind, You are just." Speaking these things out loud really helps! Anyways, this is another one of the songs that has blessed me. 

Thank you all for being such a wonderful support team. I love you all and am thankful for the friends and family God has blessed me with!

Thank you all for your prayers for me over this past week.  We have been able to work at killing off some active Lyme this week, and think some of the bio-film surrounding the bacteria may have been opened up! So that is a good thing, but it has just put a lot of stress on my heart. It is like I am having an allergic reaction to all the bacteria right now, and so I have been very sick this week, hardly able to get out of bed at some points, with severe chest pain, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, weakness, exhaustion, etc. I am being monitored pretty carefully, and have been able to receive excellent treatment and care this week. I was dehydrated yesterday and needing IV fluids, so I spent the afternoon at the clinic, returning home late last evening so exhausted.

Look what I found on my nightstand when I returned! My youngest brother and sister, Justin and Caroline, found a little honey pot we haven't used in awhile, and left it with this note:

They stuffed it full of notes of encouragement, Scriptures, and love notes...wasn't that sweet of them? I have the BEST family, and I am so thankful for them!

Aren't they cute?

And then the other evening, right at dinner time, my brother Luke dropped everything he was doing to drive 40 minutes each way to pick up some much needed supplements for my heart. He even stopped to buy me flowers on the way home! So thankful for this amazing brother of mine...he is such a strength and blessing to me!

Thank You, Father, for the amazing family and friends You have blessed me with! I can't imagine trying to go through this without the amazing support system God has raised up for me. He is so faithful!

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers...the battle is still raging, and hasn't let up much yet, but I am just spending lots of time resting, and trying to keep my eyes fixed on the One who can calm my every storm. Please pray that I would be able to fully trust in Him, even when I can't understand what is going on. It is hard to focus or think straight or even pray when things are so intense physically, and it means so much to know there are many others lifting up my arms and fighting for me when I am so weak.

Also lifting up in prayer my dear friends who are fighting an incredible battle as well...like my precious friend, Monica, who has been suffering for years with Lyme disease, and yet has encouraged me more than I can say. Her love for our Savior, her faith and trust and hope inspire me to never give up. If you are a coffee drinker, consider buying her amazing coffee (which helps her raise money for treatments!)

Be blessed, my dear friends, and know how much you are loved and appreciated!