"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD." Psalm 27:13-14

I wanted to thank each of you again for your continued prayers for me, for holding up my arms when I feel like I can't go on. I can't even tell you how much that means to me!  I spent the weekend mostly flat in bed, too dizzy to hardly move, extremely short of breath, with some issues going on with my heart. My Heavenly Father is always faithful to bring me through even the harder-than-normal times, however, and it seems like He wants to make sure I am fully trusting Him.

So thankful for some reminders of His loving care this week: a phone call from a very dear friend, several notes of encouragement, answered prayers, even cooler weather! Thank You, Father, for Your faithfulness, love and care, which is always there. Help me to always look to You, and not to my circumstances!

Some prayer points for the next few weeks:

~Strength for my physical heart to be able to handle the die-off of Lyme bacteria, and wisdom to know how much I can handle
~Financial provision to be able to continue treatment
~Continued direction--if there is another treatment option I am supposed to pursue, that we would be given wisdom and all the details worked out
~That any hidden issues with my health would be revealed, so that if there is a missing link to address, we would know how to go about that

Again, thank you all SO MUCH for your love and support. I can't imagine having to go through this alone, and I am so grateful for each and every one of you, and of course for my amazing family as well.

Be blessed and strengthened today!

Chazak v'ematz,
Abby

Thank you!

I wanted to thank each of you who took the time to send me an encouraging email or e-card on my birthday on Sunday...I was literally overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and blessing I received! You can never know how much that means to me, or how deeply you blessed and encouraged me. I felt so loved, even though I don't deserve it...

I know I probably won't be able to respond to each message, so I wanted to write a public thank-you! I am so thankful that I don't have to fight this battle alone...not only is Yeshua right by my side every step of the way, He also sent so many wonderful people to stand with me and hold up my arms when I get tired.

This verse has been on my heart the last few days: 

"Do not grow weary in well-doing, for in due season you shall reap, if you do not lose heart." 

That really spoke to me, especially the part about "in due season"...just because I can't see it right now, just because I don't know when that season will come, He still promises that it will!

Thank you all for your prayers, support and love...it means so much! I'll try and post an update soon, as things are still intense physically, but for now, I just want you all to know how much you are appreciated!

One of my very favorite Scriptures:

Update

Our Father has been revealing so much to me this past week. Things about myself, and my relationship with Him...I came across this quote the other day:

At some point you’re going to feel lost in your faith because God doesn’t do what you expect Him to do.   And it will be that moment when you find out what it truly means to have faith

I guess I didn't really understand what faith was like until what I did have was shaken down to the roots. 

This whole past year, I have struggled to fully trust Him. It is so easy to say we trust Him, yet I have found myself questioning His will and purposes so many times, found myself asking "why"...my deepest heart's desire was to fully surrender and trust, and I struggled with guilt because I was having a hard time accepting where He has me right now.

This past weekend, He revealed to me with shocking clarity how self-centered I have been.  To complain because He didn't do what I wanted Him to do when I wanted Him to do it...that has been a completely selfish and demanding attitude!  He broke me once again, and I have had to repent for having the focus on me. NONE of this is about me, it is all about HIM and His will! This sickness is not about me, and His healing will not be about me.

More than anything...I want more of Him, and I want His will to be accomplished through me.  Coming to that point of brokenness and surrender has brought such peace! He has NEVER ever failed me...He has been so very faithful, and never left my side, even through the darkest valleys, and I know He never will. I can trust Him that He knows what He is doing, and I don't have to figure it out! I'm leaving it in His hands...with that has come peace and anticipation for what He is going to do. Whatever it is will be much better than what I could have chosen.

A friend of mine sent me this song the other day, and I was so excited after I listened to it, because it describes almost exactly where I am right now.  This is my prayer...

On a physical note, I had my 3-month check-in with my LLMD the other day. We talked about where I am right now, and after finding out that I don't feel any better after being on the IV antibiotics for so long, he decided to go ahead and pull the PICC line. We are taking a break from antibiotics for now, and can re-evaluate in 3 months. It feels good to have my arm free again, especially as I have a painful rash since I started reacting to all the tape and dressing a few weeks ago.

Even though there is nothing I can do about it, I have to fight against feeling like a failure because none of my treatments have made me feel better. 

I did get some blood-work back that revealed several major deficiencies in several areas. The doctor is very hopeful that supplementing these things should make a big difference in how I feel. 

 I appreciate your prayers so much...here are some specific ways I would love prayer for:

• That I would continue in His peace, being able to fully rest in what He is doing 
• That I would be able to continually surrender my desires to Him, knowing that He is ALL that I need
• For healing for the imbalances and defiencies in my body, even to the point of restoring missing genes
• Continued wisdom medically--if there is something we are missing, or something different we need to be doing, that He would reveal that
• That my spirit would be strong, even when my flesh is weak...when I am in so much pain, with brain fog, exhaustion, dizziness, weakness, etc. it can be much harder to stay strong and full of faith. I'm thankful He is able to keep what I have committed to Him (2 Tim. 1:12)

Many blessings to you all today as you rest in His shalom!

~Abby

Holding On

This song is blessing me a lot today...what a comforting thought to know that my God is holding on to ME! As hard as I try to hold on, my strength is weak at times, yet He is the One who is faithful to keep me from falling.

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy" (Jude 1:24)

I especially like these words: 

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Be blessed and stay strong in Him!

"And now, LORD, what do I wait for? My hope is in You." Ps. 39:7

I was challenged a bit ago by something I read about obstacles. Someone described an obstacle as an opportunity for a miracle so God can be glorified.

That's right! No matter how impossible the circumstances...even when I can't figure things out, even when we don't have any answers, I know that God delights in the impossible. I am fighting with all that is in me to hold on to Him, knowing that in HIM is life and hope and love and joy and peace.

I've been in nearly unbearable pain today, which even high doses of pain relievers aren't seeming to touch. I've been challenged to not be afraid to hope and to believe God for healing and complete deliverance.

"Who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." Ps. 103:5

Even though so much of my youth has been spent in sickness, I believe He can bring restoration!

I appreciate you all praying for me...it means so much! Please pray for the strength to hold on to hope and to believe God for a miracle. More than anything else, I want Him to be glorified. I want to have His seal imprinted so plainly on my forehead, that those who look at me will only see His beauty shining through me. That has been my desire for years, and I see how short I have fallen. But as I continually surrender to Him, I trust Him to complete the work He has begun in me.

Happy Mother's Day, MOM!

UPDATE: Family Picture! Except for Dad, who was at work

I am blessed with the most amazing mother in the whole world! Mom, I just want to take a minute to publicly thank you for being there for me so many times. Mom, you've been my best friend...thank you for listening to me, hearing my secrets, crying with me, praying with me, walking through this incredibly tough time with me. Your love, strength and support have meant so much! Not just the numerous doctor/clinic visits you've taken me to, but for just being there for me, even through the many times where I have felt I couldn't go on. Thank you for believing me even in the years before I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. You never once doubted how badly I was feeling, even though we couldn't figure out why. You've walked with me through some dark valleys, physically, emotionally and spiritually, most importantly always pointing me back to my Savior, reminding me to keep my eyes focused on Him when I felt I was sinking. I love you so much! I'm sorry you've had to go through so much for my sake, but thank you for faithfully standing with me. I wanted share this song by the Isaacs in your honor: "Yours and Mine"

On Saturday night, both my married siblings showed up with their spouses for the weekend to surprise Mom  for Mother's Day :-) Alex and his wife Katie planned to get here around 10 Saturday night, and so we were all trying to keep awake while Mom read aloud in the living room (she didn't know anything). About 9:15, we heard a noise on the porch, the door slowly opened, and my sister Katie popped her head in, followed by Nate, surprising all of us! Alex and Katie walked in shortly after that, thoroughly astonishing Mom :-) She was very blessed, and we had a nice weekend together. I hope to put a picture up tomorrow!

I'm sorry for not keeping you all updated about how I've been doing. I find it so hard to explain how I'm feeling day to day, and it's often hard to put into words. This past week has been more intense...a lot of pain all over, which leaves me resorting to pain relievers much more often, and I have also had much more stomach pain. Brain fog makes it hard to think clearly, or even to read or pray sometimes; my heart decides to randomly act up, and exhaustion and dizziness leaves me feeling drained. I don't know if some of this is "die off" from the heavy-duty IV antibiotics I am on, or just my "normal" Lyme symptoms. Just trying to take one day at a time. I'll try to do a better job keeping up with this blog!

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." (Prov. 13:12) To be honest, I've been struggling to hold on to hope. So many times, I feel like I just can't go on. Each time, my Savior picks me up and says, "Yes you can."  But it is incredibly painful. It will be 7 years this summer since I first got sick, never dreaming how long this would go on. Like my friend Monica, I'm thankful I didn't know. God has given me strength day by day and I can only cling to Him, knowing that He ultimately wants me well.

It is just a jolting reminder of how things stand when simple tasks or events turn into a major ordeal. Like when a hot shower brings on horribly intense symptoms. Like having family over for the weekend, where I want to be engaged in all the activity around me, yet find it hard just to get through the day. Like going to a bridal shower for one of my dearest friends...I want to be there for her, to join in the activities, to let her know how much I love her...instead of spending much of the time by myself in the bedroom, or lying in the car.

I keep wondering when will I be able to enjoy activities again, to actually feel up to sitting and visiting with friends, up to travelling, up to talking with people, able to genuinely smile more often, without feeling like I'm going to cry on the inside?  When will I be able to go to gatherings without needing to leave half-way through, or having to find somewhere to lie down? 

Yes, my heart often feels sick from "hope deferred", but I am placing my heart in the hands of my Great Physician, the ONLY one who can make me all better, through and through, inside AND out. Mom keeps reminding me of the ENDING of Proverbs 13:12: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." 

I know God has a plan, and it is only good. He is holy, and because of His holiness, I can trust that everything He is doing in my life has a purpose, and He is using this to craft me into who He wants me to be. Oh Father, help me to hold on and trust You with all that is in me...it is foolish in me to complain...I can only see this little bit of now, while You can see it all, throughout all eternity. 

I love the NLT translation of Ps. 84:5-7:

"What joy for those whose strength comes from the LORD, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem." Ps. 84:5-7

This is a pretty good picture of how I often feel.

It's been a whirlwind of a month...we spent 2 weeks in KY celebrating Passover and my dear little sister's wedding!  It was a blessed time, even though I had a relapse and spent the last week in bed, in terrible pain, and with my stomach much worse than it's been in a long time. Two days after arriving home, I got a PICC line put in my arm to be able to administer IV antibiotics to treat the Lyme disease. After a week of faithfully doing the infusions every 8 hours while doing lots of natural things to boost my immune system, I got really sick over the weekend, ended up in the ER and then found out I'm allergic to the medication I was on.  God was so faithful to lead us and guide us every step of the way, and I'm so thankful for His wisdom and protection.

Confusion, pain, lots of tears, weakness, lots of time in bed. Time to pause, reconsider...okay, Father, what do you want me to learn here? I feel like it keeps coming back to trust. Trust Me, keep your eyes on Me. I have the answer, I'm holding you in My arms. 

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills, from whence comes my help? My help comes from the LORD, who made Heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to be moved, He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade at your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul. The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore." (Ps. 121)

He's got me in the palm of His hand! Yes, it is so hard to understand His plan sometimes. I have so many dear brothers and sisters praying fervently for me...so why do things seem to be getting worse at times? I don't have all the answers, but I do know that I can leave it all with Him! He makes no mistakes, and His promises will stand. He is healing me, and He promises to turn my mourning into dancing, to put off my sackcloth and clothe me with gladness.  Why? "To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever." (Ps. 30:12)

I don't want to wait until I'm well to give Him thanks and praise and glory. I can say with all my heart, He is faithful...He is trustworthy...He is good.  He is leading and guiding us each step of the way, and I am so grateful. Without Him, I wouldn't be able to go on, but this is the cry of my heart:

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live, I will lift up my hands in Your Name." (Ps. 63:3,4)

I can't thank you all enough for praying for me and holding up my arms. It mean so very much to have this support and encouragement. You all are a blessing!