At some point you’re going to feel lost in your faith because God doesn’t do what you expect Him to do. And it will be that moment when you find out what it truly means to have faith
I guess I didn't really understand what faith was like until what I did have was shaken down to the roots.
This whole past year, I have struggled to fully trust Him. It is so easy to say we trust Him, yet I have found myself questioning His will and purposes so many times, found myself asking "why"...my deepest heart's desire was to fully surrender and trust, and I struggled with guilt because I was having a hard time accepting where He has me right now.
This past weekend, He revealed to me with shocking clarity how self-centered I have been. To complain because He didn't do what I wanted Him to do when I wanted Him to do it...that has been a completely selfish and demanding attitude! He broke me once again, and I have had to repent for having the focus on me. NONE of this is about me, it is all about HIM and His will! This sickness is not about me, and His healing will not be about me.
More than anything...I want more of Him, and I want His will to be accomplished through me. Coming to that point of brokenness and surrender has brought such peace! He has NEVER ever failed me...He has been so very faithful, and never left my side, even through the darkest valleys, and I know He never will. I can trust Him that He knows what He is doing, and I don't have to figure it out! I'm leaving it in His hands...with that has come peace and anticipation for what He is going to do. Whatever it is will be much better than what I could have chosen.
A friend of mine sent me this song the other day, and I was so excited after I listened to it, because it describes almost exactly where I am right now. This is my prayer...
On a physical note, I had my 3-month check-in with my LLMD the other day. We talked about where I am right now, and after finding out that I don't feel any better after being on the IV antibiotics for so long, he decided to go ahead and pull the PICC line. We are taking a break from antibiotics for now, and can re-evaluate in 3 months. It feels good to have my arm free again, especially as I have a painful rash since I started reacting to all the tape and dressing a few weeks ago.
Even though there is nothing I can do about it, I have to fight against feeling like a failure because none of my treatments have made me feel better.
I did get some blood-work back that revealed several major deficiencies in several areas. The doctor is very hopeful that supplementing these things should make a big difference in how I feel.
I appreciate your prayers so much...here are some specific ways I would love prayer for:
- That I would continue in His peace, being able to fully rest in what He is doing
- That I would be able to continually surrender my desires to Him, knowing that He is ALL that I need
- For healing for the imbalances and defiencies in my body, even to the point of restoring missing genes
- Continued wisdom medically--if there is something we are missing, or something different we need to be doing, that He would reveal that
- That my spirit would be strong, even when my flesh is weak...when I am in so much pain, with brain fog, exhaustion, dizziness, weakness, etc. it can be much harder to stay strong and full of faith. I'm thankful He is able to keep what I have committed to Him (2 Tim. 1:12)
Many blessings to you all today as you rest in His shalom!
~Abby
