Wilderness

Dry. Barren. Desolate. Lonely. Unfruitful. Hot. Uncomfortable. These words come to mind when I think of "desert" or "wilderness".  

I've been wanting to write a follow-up to my last blog post, but just have not seemed able to get it together. I appreciate so much each one of you who left me a comment or sent an email; it encourages me so much to hear from you!

Honestly, last week I got hit pretty hard physically. I was left lying in bed, too dizzy and weak to hardly get out of bed, too sick to eat, talk, read, or even think really. It was a frightening time, as not only was my stomach acting up and I was growing weaker from being unable to eat, but my heart was acting crazy as well, and I was so dizzy and exhausted and in pain, and felt like I was barely making it through each day. It is all a blur, and I hardly even know how I got through. Someone maybe would mention my blog post, and I would struggle to think, what did I write about again?  Brain fog is one of the symptoms I experience on a regular basis that is very hard for me to deal with. Feeling like I just can't concentrate or think, trying to focus enough to read or pray, where everything seems fuzzy and cloudy and I just can't seem to pull myself together. I'm thankful for a place to record some of the lessons God is teaching me...I sometimes have to go back and read through my posts to encourage myself when I can hardly think straight! 

So this brings me back to the wilderness. I often feel like this season in my life is comparable to that wilderness. Don't get me wrong, our Father has blessed me abundantly, and I am so thankful for His love, care and provision, and the blessings He has poured out on me. But at the same time, one by one, my dreams and desires feel like they are being uprooted and crushed before me. Even this week, another dream had to die. I often feel alone, uncomfortable, barren, desolate, unfruitful...just like that wilderness. I was talking to Mom this morning, and she shared something out of Jeremiah 2 with me:

“Go and cry in the hearing of Jerusalem, saying, ‘Thus says the LORD:
“I remember you,
The kindness of your youth,
The love of your betrothal,
When you went after Me in the wilderness,
In a land not sown."

I had not paid much attention to this verse before, and when Mom mentioned it, it really struck something in me. Immediately, Song of Solomon 8:5 came to my mind, a verse that has greatly fascinated me for years.

"Who is this coming up from the wilderness,
Leaning upon her beloved?"

I've always been intrigued by this verse, as this is what I want! I want to come out of this wilderness, leaning on my Beloved. Or even if I have to stay here a long time, I want to be found leaning on Him. 

So here we have two aspects: we are to go after Him in the wilderness, and come out leaning upon Him! Oh how I long for that with everything that is in me! Another verse that came to mind that also seems to be a piece to the puzzle, is Deut. 32:10:

"He found him in a desert land,And in the wasteland, a howling wilderness;He encircled Him, He instructed Him,He kept Him as the apple of His eye."

Maybe this is part of the answer to my prayer of today...Oh Father, how do I go after You in the wilderness? How can I be found leaning on You, my Beloved?

So is it that as I go after Him, He finds me, encircles me, and leads me on, leaning on Him? Maybe this has something to do with Psalm 91 as well; abiding under His shelter, finding rest under His shadow? 

 I know so many of you are praying for me...can I ask that you would pray this for me specifically? That He would teach me how to go after Him in this wilderness? That I would be able to lean forevermore on my Beloved? That even when I'm experiencing brain fog, exhaustion, pain, sleeplessness, tears, confusion...even when I can't seem to hear or see or feel anything spiritually, that I would know that He is shadowing me and keeping me? Oh how I long for that!

Thank you for letting me share once again; it often helps me sort out my thoughts to start writing, and I am thankful for each thing the Father is teaching me along the way. Thank you all so much for your love and prayers!

Much love,
Abby