Betrothal Story

I have some amazing, incredible news to share...I am getting married! Some of you heard my story in person a few weeks back, but I have been wanting to try and put it in writing. What an incredible journey this has been so far; looking back over this past year, I can see at least a part of how the Father has been working each detail to weave a beautiful story.

May this be an encouragement to all of us to keep trusting Him...there are still things I don't understand, but I know our Father knows what He is doing! May He keep us faithful to Himself!  Since you all have read and walked with me through many tears and trying to make sense of things, I wanted to share some of these pieces to the story that I have been able to see so far.

During these past several years, I have struggled greatly with my desire to be married.  The longing to be a wife and mother has been a desire of my heart for as long as I can remember, and so when year after year passed, and I attended wedding after wedding, while at the same time being so very sick, I felt like my dreams were being constantly denied. Over and over I laid it down at the Father's feet, begging for strength to carry on, that He would be my all-in-all, and that He would even take those desires away if they were not His will for me. Somewhere along the way, I became convinced no one could ever want me...I looked at my life and saw a terrible sickness, struggles and discouragement, and a girl whose body felt "old before her time".  While I couldn't ever get my heart to stop hoping, I really didn't think that it was possible for someone to see beauty in my life. Off and on, I did pray that if it was the Father's will, He would bring me a man of great tenderness and compassion, one who was sensitive and gentle, and someone who would want me now, even before I was fully well. I knew if that happened, it would bring great reassurance to my heart, a sense of security...because if someone wanted me right now while struggling with a terrible illness, I felt like I could rest in knowing that no matter what came along, he would be by my side.

On October 11th, I wrote this post about the wilderness after Mom called me from Israel, sharing a glimpse of something that had been highlighted in a tour while visiting a wilderness area. What she was able to share intrigued me so much that it made me start thinking, pondering, and praying as the Father began to reveal to me how He can bring beauty even in a wilderness. It also brought a renewed longing to press into Him as my Beloved, learning more of His heart and walking by His side day by day. I could only hope that this wilderness season would be over soon, but either way, I wanted to be close to His heart.

Two weeks later, I was taking care of some business on the computer when I accidentally stumbled across some information that completely shocked me. Turns out, one of the young men on the same trip to Israel that my Mom and siblings were on had asked for permission to marry me! Since I was not supposed to have found out about this yet, Mom and Dad asked me to just wait and keep quiet until Mom returned home.

So those next two weeks were spent in much prayer and handing everything over to my Heavenly Father, as I didn't even know who had asked at this point!

Mom and the children arrived home early one Thursday morning, and it was such a joy to be together again! The next evening, after Shabbat dinner, Mom and Dad took me in the bedroom and told me that it was Tyler Falk who had asked for permission to marry me.

For those of you not familiar with betrothal, it is very different from courtship in the sense that it is not a "trial" basis, or even a "getting to know you to see if this will work for marriage". Through study of the Scriptures, prayer, and the testimony of friends who have done things this way, we had come to the conclusion that as we sought God's will, He would make it perfectly clear! First, the young man would pray about it extensively, bringing his parents in at some point, then when all three of them were sure, they would approach the girl's parents. After that, she would be approached, and the final decision would be up to her. That way, emotions aren't involved until everyone is sure of the Father's will. There is so much security in that, because by the time the girl is ready to make a decision, there has been confirmation from all authorities involved!

It turns out that Tyler first "noticed" me at a fellowship meeting 3 years ago...he was down from Canada for a short time, and amazingly enough, attended one of the few meetings that I was attending at the time, because of being so sick. Unsure of whether his interest in me was just a fleshly desire or not, he tried to put the matter aside for the time being. Last winter, his relationship with my brother Luke really grew, and that was when he felt led to begin praying about me in earnest. The Father worked it out for him to come spend a week at our house to help my brother finish up a documentary he was producing, and so, without us having a clue of what was going on, he was able to "check out" our family. This part is very amazing to me, as this was one of my low points physically. He arrived at our house a week after I had been in the ER with an allergic reaction to my medication; I still had the PICC line in my arm, and was pretty sick. I rested in my room the majority of the time, but did come out to help cook for everyone and eat meals together. I am amazed to know that he still had a desire to pursue me even with my state of health. Tyler wanted his parents to meet me and my family, and so he arranged a hasty visit to TN in July, visiting several friends in the area so as to not raise suspicion. Again, we did not know anything at the time, and thought they were just coming for a visit! After his parents received confirmation on that trip, he finally felt a release to talk to my Dad at the end of October.

After Mom and Dad approached me with this, we all spent the next two weeks praying earnestly and intensely. I spent a lot of time talking with my parents, read some emails exchanged between them and Tyler, and spent much time in prayer. I had a lot of peace about it from the very beginning. I had "noticed" Tyler briefly while he spent time at our house last spring, thinking that he could be someone I could consider, but I never allowed myself to dwell on that possibility, as I wanted to keep my heart for the man God had for me. As I prayed, and learned more about Tyler; his personality, his past, and the things God had brought him through, I kept getting more and more confirmation that truly, he was the one the Father had been preparing for me!

After Mom and Dad gave me their blessing, I was fully released to keep praying and come to a decision myself. God gave me the confirmation I needed, and I knew beyond a doubt, that Tyler was ordained to be my husband! After telling my parents, they set up a FaceTime call so Tyler could ask me personally. Since he was in a different country, we were thankful for the technology that allowed us to at least see each other...so he was able to propose to me and I said yes!

We decided that we wanted to have our betrothal the first time we saw one another in person, as we both knew that once the commitment was sealed, we would be free to open up emotionally and give our hearts to each other.

And so to make a long story short(er), my family drove up to Canada and I was betrothed to Tyler Falk! The wedding is set for January 12th, here in Tennessee. Click here to view the invitation. If you would like to come, please let us know, as we are trying to keep track of RSVPs. You are all invited!

Tyler is in Canada wrapping things up, and we have decided we will not see each other again until the wedding, a picture of how we will not see Yeshua's face until He returns for His bride! The intensity of emotions are building up, and it will be a glorious day when we are united and made one. Every day that goes by, I am more and more amazed at this amazing gift my Father has given me...Tyler is the man I have prayed about for so many years, though I didn't know who he was. He has far exceeded my dreams and expectations, and I am in awe at what God has done. Even things I didn't pray for...just desires of my heart, my Father saw those and gave me more than I could have asked for in Tyler!

Much as I was hoping that things with my health would keep getting better as I approach this next season in my life, I have again been faced with reality, these past few weeks bringing along some pretty intense pain and weakness/dizziness, along with other symptoms. However, Tyler's care and commitment to me throughout this has brought incredible healing and reassurance to my heart, despite my tendency to worry or feel guilty or ashamed of my health.  What a picture he has been to me of my Father's love and compassion! And how I have been convicted to keep laying everything down before my Father, trusting Him to keep and carry me, and to continue to work everything out according to His plan. He has done an incredible work in my life already, and I know He has all things in His hands. I am completely overwhelmed at His faithfulness to His children!

"Come and hear, all you who fear God, And I will declare what He has done for my soul." Ps. 66:16

Update

I just posted a physical update on my Fundraiser site, so if you are interested, you can check it out here

This verse from Luke 12:32 has been comforting to me the past few weeks, and I have been quoting it often when I am tempted to be anxious 

"Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom."

Blessings to you all today! Be strong and courageous...

Wilderness

Dry. Barren. Desolate. Lonely. Unfruitful. Hot. Uncomfortable. These words come to mind when I think of "desert" or "wilderness".  

I've been wanting to write a follow-up to my last blog post, but just have not seemed able to get it together. I appreciate so much each one of you who left me a comment or sent an email; it encourages me so much to hear from you!

Honestly, last week I got hit pretty hard physically. I was left lying in bed, too dizzy and weak to hardly get out of bed, too sick to eat, talk, read, or even think really. It was a frightening time, as not only was my stomach acting up and I was growing weaker from being unable to eat, but my heart was acting crazy as well, and I was so dizzy and exhausted and in pain, and felt like I was barely making it through each day. It is all a blur, and I hardly even know how I got through. Someone maybe would mention my blog post, and I would struggle to think, what did I write about again?  Brain fog is one of the symptoms I experience on a regular basis that is very hard for me to deal with. Feeling like I just can't concentrate or think, trying to focus enough to read or pray, where everything seems fuzzy and cloudy and I just can't seem to pull myself together. I'm thankful for a place to record some of the lessons God is teaching me...I sometimes have to go back and read through my posts to encourage myself when I can hardly think straight! 

So this brings me back to the wilderness. I often feel like this season in my life is comparable to that wilderness. Don't get me wrong, our Father has blessed me abundantly, and I am so thankful for His love, care and provision, and the blessings He has poured out on me. But at the same time, one by one, my dreams and desires feel like they are being uprooted and crushed before me. Even this week, another dream had to die. I often feel alone, uncomfortable, barren, desolate, unfruitful...just like that wilderness. I was talking to Mom this morning, and she shared something out of Jeremiah 2 with me:

“Go and cry in the hearing of Jerusalem, saying, ‘Thus says the LORD:
“I remember you,
The kindness of your youth,
The love of your betrothal,
When you went after Me in the wilderness,
In a land not sown."

I had not paid much attention to this verse before, and when Mom mentioned it, it really struck something in me. Immediately, Song of Solomon 8:5 came to my mind, a verse that has greatly fascinated me for years.

"Who is this coming up from the wilderness,
Leaning upon her beloved?"

I've always been intrigued by this verse, as this is what I want! I want to come out of this wilderness, leaning on my Beloved. Or even if I have to stay here a long time, I want to be found leaning on Him. 

So here we have two aspects: we are to go after Him in the wilderness, and come out leaning upon Him! Oh how I long for that with everything that is in me! Another verse that came to mind that also seems to be a piece to the puzzle, is Deut. 32:10:

"He found him in a desert land,And in the wasteland, a howling wilderness;He encircled Him, He instructed Him,He kept Him as the apple of His eye."

Maybe this is part of the answer to my prayer of today...Oh Father, how do I go after You in the wilderness? How can I be found leaning on You, my Beloved?

So is it that as I go after Him, He finds me, encircles me, and leads me on, leaning on Him? Maybe this has something to do with Psalm 91 as well; abiding under His shelter, finding rest under His shadow? 

 I know so many of you are praying for me...can I ask that you would pray this for me specifically? That He would teach me how to go after Him in this wilderness? That I would be able to lean forevermore on my Beloved? That even when I'm experiencing brain fog, exhaustion, pain, sleeplessness, tears, confusion...even when I can't seem to hear or see or feel anything spiritually, that I would know that He is shadowing me and keeping me? Oh how I long for that!

Thank you for letting me share once again; it often helps me sort out my thoughts to start writing, and I am thankful for each thing the Father is teaching me along the way. Thank you all so much for your love and prayers!

Much love,
Abby

Ponderings

I have a hard time figuring myself out sometimes...wondering how I can go from feeling happy and at peace one moment, to feeling so alone and vulnerable the next. How I can feel like crying so easily, when I was fine moments ago. I feel like a little girl; and am so thankful that God calls Himself my Father over and over throughout His Word. He picks me up, carries me through, and oh so patiently and tenderly leads me and teaches me.

I was feeling that way this afternoon, and have had so many differing emotions! I have been pondering something deeply these last couple of days, and I am going to try to share it with you.

God gave me a revelation this week, that I suspect is going to be a turning point in my life. Once I start trying to explain it to people, I realize how simple it is, and it is humbling, because I realize just how narrow my thinking has been.

Conviction fell heavily the other day with this realization: I have been living as if this life is all there is. That sounds terrible for a believer in Yeshua to say, doesn't it? I trusted Him for my salvation, and looked forward to being with Him someday, but as far as the way I viewed my life right now, I realize I was too wrapped up to be able to see the bigger picture. I struggled so much with my desires and feelings...and fear. What if things never get better? What if I'm sick the rest of my life? What if I never get married and have to keep watching it happen to all my friends? The Bible talks about children of your youth; what if I never have children? What if my whole life is a waste?

With these temptations came an almost icy feeling in my chest...is all this for naught? Why would God give me dreams, desires and gifts and not allow me to fulfill them? I have felt like my youth, and my life really, has been wasted. I must confess that to my great dismay, I even had a hard time getting very excited about Yeshua's return, much as I wanted to...it seems wrapped in so much mystery, and I must say, a fear there too, that I would not be found worthy at His coming. 

I read an article the other day that really started me thinking about all of this. About the life that is coming; the life we will live when Yeshua sets us His Kingdom and we get to reign with Him! Suddenly, I felt like my whole thought process flipped upside-down. Wait a minute, why didn't I see this before? I can't know exact details about what life will be like, but I do know it will be wonderful and amazing. 

"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither has entered into the heart of man, the things that God has prepared for those who love Him."

We will be able to serve Him fully, with undivided love, and strong bodies. All the frustration I feel now because I can't serve Him like I want to, will be gone, and I will have a strong, healthy body, able to serve Him in strength and joy.  Surely there will be children to take care of...just because I am not able to have that desire realized right now, doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Is. 54:1 says, "'Sing, O barren, you who have not borne! Break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not labored with child. For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman,' says the LORD." 

Forgive me if this is a bit disjointed...I feel like my head is still spinning, and I think it will take time to sort this all out. Some things I came away with, though:

~Even though I will continue to hope and pray for healing, I realized something...even if I am sick the rest of my life, even if things never get easier, even if I never get married, never have children, it's okay. This is not the end, and my life will not have been wasted! Somehow, He has some work that I can do for Him now, even if it's not the way I imagined. 
And there is an amazing, glorious wedding coming that I can look forward to...and a glorious life with my King after that, with work to do for Him! My Bridegroom is coming, and suddenly I realize, it will all be worth it.

~Really for the first time, God allowed me to see at least part of the purpose of the suffering of the last few years. I know my flesh, and my tendency towards complacency...maybe if I had gotten what I wanted, I would have just settled down to a "normal" life. Instead, He has really driven it in my heart this week: this is not my home! I am just passing through, preparing for all eternity. 

"What joy for those whose strength comes from the LORD, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem." Ps. 84:5-7

Thank you, Father, for even this painful tool to save me from complacency. Forgive my selfishness, and help me to keep my eyes on You and Your plan!

~I have such a longing for Yeshua's return...I long to be with Him, to see His face, to walk the streets of Jerusalem where He is reigning as King! 

~I was reminded--again--that HE is the one who will preserve me for His coming. Yes, I must continue to walk in righteousness before Him, but I am not the one holding myself up. It says over and over throughout Scripture that HE keeps us from all evil, HE is preserving us, HE is able to keep that which I've committed to Him. 

"Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Yeshua Messiah. He who call you is faithful, who also will do it." 1 Thess. 5:23-24

I don't have to be afraid, because He is faithful!

This verse has been blessing me the last few days as well, because I feel like the Father is telling me that this is not in vain...

"But you, be strong and do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded!" 2 Chron. 15:7 

 Thank you for allowing me to share, and for bearing with me here...I feel like I couldn't do justice to what I've been learning, but I wanted to at least try to share. Maybe you are wondering why this is such a revelation for me, and why I didn't get this before. I feel so weak and unworthy, and am just amazed at the awesome faithfulness and trustworthiness of my Heavenly Father. He is so patient with me...I feel like one of the weakest of His children, yet He is leading me every step of the way, and continuing to teach me His ways. 

Many blessings and much love in Yeshua,
Abby

Hey Everyone,

It's hard to believe it is already September! I'm sorry for not updating you all in so long...this seems to have been a season of waiting for me...praying for direction regarding my health, resting in my Father's arms. The word He has given us lately has been to rest in Him, as He battles on our behalf. 

I am so grateful, awed, and humbled by the response I have gotten from my fundraiser so far...such an amazing blessing to see God meet my needs in this way; each time I get a donation or note of encouragement from someone, I feel like it is a personal reminder from Him that He has NOT forgotten about He, but that He has me in the palms of His hands. Thank you all for allowing Him to use you to bless me like that!

Sometimes waiting can be a hard thing...we all have our dreams and our plans--many times God-given dreams and plans--that we want to be carrying out. I find that being at home so sick, unable to do much, makes it easy to give in to doubt and fear.

Fear wants to come in and torment me about the future...what if things are always this way? What if they only get worse, not better? You feel like your youth has already been wasted, what if this is all there is?

Guilt wants me to believe that being so sick is all my fault. If only I had more faith, if only I didn't mess up so much. Those dreams you have, maybe you want them too much. Maybe this is a punishment!

Shame wants me to believe that my life is a waste because I can't serve God the way I long to. Your dear friends are going through a terrible trial right now, and you weren't even strong enough to stay and support them for more than a few days. You left when they needed you the most!

There are many other feelings as well, but the best way I've found to deal with these is with God's Word. He promises that His Word will not return to Him void! I am so thankful for the many precious promises He has given to me. He is trustworthy, and I am so honored to be His daughter. I've really been blessed by Lamentations chapter 3 lately...many of the verses describe exactly how I feel.

"And I said, 'My strength and my hope have perished from the LORD...this I recall to mind, therefore I have hope. Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I hope in Him!' The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him...for the LORD will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. For He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men...I called on Your Name, O LORD, from the lowest pit. You have heard my voice: 'do not hide Your ear from my sighing, from my cry for help.' You drew near on the day I called on You, and said, 'Do not fear!'"

So many things going on that I don't understand...and I can't try to understand. It is enough to know that my Father understands and knows all things, and He is directing and orchestrating things according to His will. I just have to rest in Him and what He is doing. Please pray for me, that I would have the strength to hold on to Him and His promises!

Physically, I'm still struggling very much with a whole host of debilitating symptoms. I have 3 different doctor's appointments in this next week or two, and so I would really appreciate all of your prayers for wisdom and direction, clarity of mind, and that the Father would lead and guide me in the way I should go. I see a gastroenterologist this week, and then next week a neurologist and my regular Lyme doctor. I am really praying for more specific answers! 

I know I have shared a lot of songs with you all...but the truth is, the Father has so many times used these songs in my life. One of the symptoms I experience is brain fog/trouble thinking/focusing, and oftentimes when that hits, I can hardly think or even pray. Many times these songs have ministered to me, as I have sung them back to the Lord. Sometimes I have to declare out loud, "Yes Lord, I choose to believe, I choose to trust you, You are faithful, You are good, You are kind, You are just." Speaking these things out loud really helps! Anyways, this is another one of the songs that has blessed me. 

Thank you all for being such a wonderful support team. I love you all and am thankful for the friends and family God has blessed me with!

Thank you all for your prayers for me over this past week.  We have been able to work at killing off some active Lyme this week, and think some of the bio-film surrounding the bacteria may have been opened up! So that is a good thing, but it has just put a lot of stress on my heart. It is like I am having an allergic reaction to all the bacteria right now, and so I have been very sick this week, hardly able to get out of bed at some points, with severe chest pain, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, weakness, exhaustion, etc. I am being monitored pretty carefully, and have been able to receive excellent treatment and care this week. I was dehydrated yesterday and needing IV fluids, so I spent the afternoon at the clinic, returning home late last evening so exhausted.

Look what I found on my nightstand when I returned! My youngest brother and sister, Justin and Caroline, found a little honey pot we haven't used in awhile, and left it with this note:

They stuffed it full of notes of encouragement, Scriptures, and love notes...wasn't that sweet of them? I have the BEST family, and I am so thankful for them!

Aren't they cute?

And then the other evening, right at dinner time, my brother Luke dropped everything he was doing to drive 40 minutes each way to pick up some much needed supplements for my heart. He even stopped to buy me flowers on the way home! So thankful for this amazing brother of mine...he is such a strength and blessing to me!

Thank You, Father, for the amazing family and friends You have blessed me with! I can't imagine trying to go through this without the amazing support system God has raised up for me. He is so faithful!

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers...the battle is still raging, and hasn't let up much yet, but I am just spending lots of time resting, and trying to keep my eyes fixed on the One who can calm my every storm. Please pray that I would be able to fully trust in Him, even when I can't understand what is going on. It is hard to focus or think straight or even pray when things are so intense physically, and it means so much to know there are many others lifting up my arms and fighting for me when I am so weak.

Also lifting up in prayer my dear friends who are fighting an incredible battle as well...like my precious friend, Monica, who has been suffering for years with Lyme disease, and yet has encouraged me more than I can say. Her love for our Savior, her faith and trust and hope inspire me to never give up. If you are a coffee drinker, consider buying her amazing coffee (which helps her raise money for treatments!)

Be blessed, my dear friends, and know how much you are loved and appreciated!

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD." Psalm 27:13-14

I wanted to thank each of you again for your continued prayers for me, for holding up my arms when I feel like I can't go on. I can't even tell you how much that means to me!  I spent the weekend mostly flat in bed, too dizzy to hardly move, extremely short of breath, with some issues going on with my heart. My Heavenly Father is always faithful to bring me through even the harder-than-normal times, however, and it seems like He wants to make sure I am fully trusting Him.

So thankful for some reminders of His loving care this week: a phone call from a very dear friend, several notes of encouragement, answered prayers, even cooler weather! Thank You, Father, for Your faithfulness, love and care, which is always there. Help me to always look to You, and not to my circumstances!

Some prayer points for the next few weeks:

~Strength for my physical heart to be able to handle the die-off of Lyme bacteria, and wisdom to know how much I can handle
~Financial provision to be able to continue treatment
~Continued direction--if there is another treatment option I am supposed to pursue, that we would be given wisdom and all the details worked out
~That any hidden issues with my health would be revealed, so that if there is a missing link to address, we would know how to go about that

Again, thank you all SO MUCH for your love and support. I can't imagine having to go through this alone, and I am so grateful for each and every one of you, and of course for my amazing family as well.

Be blessed and strengthened today!

Chazak v'ematz,
Abby

Thank you!

I wanted to thank each of you who took the time to send me an encouraging email or e-card on my birthday on Sunday...I was literally overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and blessing I received! You can never know how much that means to me, or how deeply you blessed and encouraged me. I felt so loved, even though I don't deserve it...

I know I probably won't be able to respond to each message, so I wanted to write a public thank-you! I am so thankful that I don't have to fight this battle alone...not only is Yeshua right by my side every step of the way, He also sent so many wonderful people to stand with me and hold up my arms when I get tired.

This verse has been on my heart the last few days: 

"Do not grow weary in well-doing, for in due season you shall reap, if you do not lose heart." 

That really spoke to me, especially the part about "in due season"...just because I can't see it right now, just because I don't know when that season will come, He still promises that it will!

Thank you all for your prayers, support and love...it means so much! I'll try and post an update soon, as things are still intense physically, but for now, I just want you all to know how much you are appreciated!

One of my very favorite Scriptures:

Update

Our Father has been revealing so much to me this past week. Things about myself, and my relationship with Him...I came across this quote the other day:

At some point you’re going to feel lost in your faith because God doesn’t do what you expect Him to do.   And it will be that moment when you find out what it truly means to have faith

I guess I didn't really understand what faith was like until what I did have was shaken down to the roots. 

This whole past year, I have struggled to fully trust Him. It is so easy to say we trust Him, yet I have found myself questioning His will and purposes so many times, found myself asking "why"...my deepest heart's desire was to fully surrender and trust, and I struggled with guilt because I was having a hard time accepting where He has me right now.

This past weekend, He revealed to me with shocking clarity how self-centered I have been.  To complain because He didn't do what I wanted Him to do when I wanted Him to do it...that has been a completely selfish and demanding attitude!  He broke me once again, and I have had to repent for having the focus on me. NONE of this is about me, it is all about HIM and His will! This sickness is not about me, and His healing will not be about me.

More than anything...I want more of Him, and I want His will to be accomplished through me.  Coming to that point of brokenness and surrender has brought such peace! He has NEVER ever failed me...He has been so very faithful, and never left my side, even through the darkest valleys, and I know He never will. I can trust Him that He knows what He is doing, and I don't have to figure it out! I'm leaving it in His hands...with that has come peace and anticipation for what He is going to do. Whatever it is will be much better than what I could have chosen.

A friend of mine sent me this song the other day, and I was so excited after I listened to it, because it describes almost exactly where I am right now.  This is my prayer...

On a physical note, I had my 3-month check-in with my LLMD the other day. We talked about where I am right now, and after finding out that I don't feel any better after being on the IV antibiotics for so long, he decided to go ahead and pull the PICC line. We are taking a break from antibiotics for now, and can re-evaluate in 3 months. It feels good to have my arm free again, especially as I have a painful rash since I started reacting to all the tape and dressing a few weeks ago.

Even though there is nothing I can do about it, I have to fight against feeling like a failure because none of my treatments have made me feel better. 

I did get some blood-work back that revealed several major deficiencies in several areas. The doctor is very hopeful that supplementing these things should make a big difference in how I feel. 

 I appreciate your prayers so much...here are some specific ways I would love prayer for:

• That I would continue in His peace, being able to fully rest in what He is doing 
• That I would be able to continually surrender my desires to Him, knowing that He is ALL that I need
• For healing for the imbalances and defiencies in my body, even to the point of restoring missing genes
• Continued wisdom medically--if there is something we are missing, or something different we need to be doing, that He would reveal that
• That my spirit would be strong, even when my flesh is weak...when I am in so much pain, with brain fog, exhaustion, dizziness, weakness, etc. it can be much harder to stay strong and full of faith. I'm thankful He is able to keep what I have committed to Him (2 Tim. 1:12)

Many blessings to you all today as you rest in His shalom!

~Abby

Holding On

This song is blessing me a lot today...what a comforting thought to know that my God is holding on to ME! As hard as I try to hold on, my strength is weak at times, yet He is the One who is faithful to keep me from falling.

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy" (Jude 1:24)

I especially like these words: 

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Be blessed and stay strong in Him!

"And now, LORD, what do I wait for? My hope is in You." Ps. 39:7

I was challenged a bit ago by something I read about obstacles. Someone described an obstacle as an opportunity for a miracle so God can be glorified.

That's right! No matter how impossible the circumstances...even when I can't figure things out, even when we don't have any answers, I know that God delights in the impossible. I am fighting with all that is in me to hold on to Him, knowing that in HIM is life and hope and love and joy and peace.

I've been in nearly unbearable pain today, which even high doses of pain relievers aren't seeming to touch. I've been challenged to not be afraid to hope and to believe God for healing and complete deliverance.

"Who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." Ps. 103:5

Even though so much of my youth has been spent in sickness, I believe He can bring restoration!

I appreciate you all praying for me...it means so much! Please pray for the strength to hold on to hope and to believe God for a miracle. More than anything else, I want Him to be glorified. I want to have His seal imprinted so plainly on my forehead, that those who look at me will only see His beauty shining through me. That has been my desire for years, and I see how short I have fallen. But as I continually surrender to Him, I trust Him to complete the work He has begun in me.

Happy Mother's Day, MOM!

UPDATE: Family Picture! Except for Dad, who was at work

I am blessed with the most amazing mother in the whole world! Mom, I just want to take a minute to publicly thank you for being there for me so many times. Mom, you've been my best friend...thank you for listening to me, hearing my secrets, crying with me, praying with me, walking through this incredibly tough time with me. Your love, strength and support have meant so much! Not just the numerous doctor/clinic visits you've taken me to, but for just being there for me, even through the many times where I have felt I couldn't go on. Thank you for believing me even in the years before I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. You never once doubted how badly I was feeling, even though we couldn't figure out why. You've walked with me through some dark valleys, physically, emotionally and spiritually, most importantly always pointing me back to my Savior, reminding me to keep my eyes focused on Him when I felt I was sinking. I love you so much! I'm sorry you've had to go through so much for my sake, but thank you for faithfully standing with me. I wanted share this song by the Isaacs in your honor: "Yours and Mine"

On Saturday night, both my married siblings showed up with their spouses for the weekend to surprise Mom  for Mother's Day :-) Alex and his wife Katie planned to get here around 10 Saturday night, and so we were all trying to keep awake while Mom read aloud in the living room (she didn't know anything). About 9:15, we heard a noise on the porch, the door slowly opened, and my sister Katie popped her head in, followed by Nate, surprising all of us! Alex and Katie walked in shortly after that, thoroughly astonishing Mom :-) She was very blessed, and we had a nice weekend together. I hope to put a picture up tomorrow!

I'm sorry for not keeping you all updated about how I've been doing. I find it so hard to explain how I'm feeling day to day, and it's often hard to put into words. This past week has been more intense...a lot of pain all over, which leaves me resorting to pain relievers much more often, and I have also had much more stomach pain. Brain fog makes it hard to think clearly, or even to read or pray sometimes; my heart decides to randomly act up, and exhaustion and dizziness leaves me feeling drained. I don't know if some of this is "die off" from the heavy-duty IV antibiotics I am on, or just my "normal" Lyme symptoms. Just trying to take one day at a time. I'll try to do a better job keeping up with this blog!

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." (Prov. 13:12) To be honest, I've been struggling to hold on to hope. So many times, I feel like I just can't go on. Each time, my Savior picks me up and says, "Yes you can."  But it is incredibly painful. It will be 7 years this summer since I first got sick, never dreaming how long this would go on. Like my friend Monica, I'm thankful I didn't know. God has given me strength day by day and I can only cling to Him, knowing that He ultimately wants me well.

It is just a jolting reminder of how things stand when simple tasks or events turn into a major ordeal. Like when a hot shower brings on horribly intense symptoms. Like having family over for the weekend, where I want to be engaged in all the activity around me, yet find it hard just to get through the day. Like going to a bridal shower for one of my dearest friends...I want to be there for her, to join in the activities, to let her know how much I love her...instead of spending much of the time by myself in the bedroom, or lying in the car.

I keep wondering when will I be able to enjoy activities again, to actually feel up to sitting and visiting with friends, up to travelling, up to talking with people, able to genuinely smile more often, without feeling like I'm going to cry on the inside?  When will I be able to go to gatherings without needing to leave half-way through, or having to find somewhere to lie down? 

Yes, my heart often feels sick from "hope deferred", but I am placing my heart in the hands of my Great Physician, the ONLY one who can make me all better, through and through, inside AND out. Mom keeps reminding me of the ENDING of Proverbs 13:12: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." 

I know God has a plan, and it is only good. He is holy, and because of His holiness, I can trust that everything He is doing in my life has a purpose, and He is using this to craft me into who He wants me to be. Oh Father, help me to hold on and trust You with all that is in me...it is foolish in me to complain...I can only see this little bit of now, while You can see it all, throughout all eternity. 

I love the NLT translation of Ps. 84:5-7:

"What joy for those whose strength comes from the LORD, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem." Ps. 84:5-7

This is a pretty good picture of how I often feel.

It's been a whirlwind of a month...we spent 2 weeks in KY celebrating Passover and my dear little sister's wedding!  It was a blessed time, even though I had a relapse and spent the last week in bed, in terrible pain, and with my stomach much worse than it's been in a long time. Two days after arriving home, I got a PICC line put in my arm to be able to administer IV antibiotics to treat the Lyme disease. After a week of faithfully doing the infusions every 8 hours while doing lots of natural things to boost my immune system, I got really sick over the weekend, ended up in the ER and then found out I'm allergic to the medication I was on.  God was so faithful to lead us and guide us every step of the way, and I'm so thankful for His wisdom and protection.

Confusion, pain, lots of tears, weakness, lots of time in bed. Time to pause, reconsider...okay, Father, what do you want me to learn here? I feel like it keeps coming back to trust. Trust Me, keep your eyes on Me. I have the answer, I'm holding you in My arms. 

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills, from whence comes my help? My help comes from the LORD, who made Heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to be moved, He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade at your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul. The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore." (Ps. 121)

He's got me in the palm of His hand! Yes, it is so hard to understand His plan sometimes. I have so many dear brothers and sisters praying fervently for me...so why do things seem to be getting worse at times? I don't have all the answers, but I do know that I can leave it all with Him! He makes no mistakes, and His promises will stand. He is healing me, and He promises to turn my mourning into dancing, to put off my sackcloth and clothe me with gladness.  Why? "To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever." (Ps. 30:12)

I don't want to wait until I'm well to give Him thanks and praise and glory. I can say with all my heart, He is faithful...He is trustworthy...He is good.  He is leading and guiding us each step of the way, and I am so grateful. Without Him, I wouldn't be able to go on, but this is the cry of my heart:

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live, I will lift up my hands in Your Name." (Ps. 63:3,4)

I can't thank you all enough for praying for me and holding up my arms. It mean so very much to have this support and encouragement. You all are a blessing!

A friend sent this video to us, and I thought it was a wonderful explanation...and a reminder that I needed to hear!  It's hard to look at the big picture sometimes, but I need to remember that all these things in my life play a role in God's ultimate plan, even if it's not in the way I've imagined! Like it says at the end, "God is in complete control, even when He remains behind the scenes...and the Master of the Universe will yet have His say!"

Happy Purim!

Peace

Physically, these past 2 weeks have been extremely difficult...the last couple of days, especially, have brought nearly unbearable pain at times, which leaves me in tears.  

These are the times where I find it hardest to hold on; temptations to give up or despair are the strongest...however, I do not want my physical symptoms to dictate my spiritual walk! I am starting to realize His gentleness and tenderness with us when we are weak...He promises to hold my right hand, to give power when I am weak, to never leave me or forsake me, that He will restore my youth, that I will be able to walk without growing weary and run without growing faint! He promises to satiate the weary soul and fulfill every longing soul.

I was very blessed by Philippians 4:6,7 this morning. I have asked/wondered "why" many times; not only for me, but for all my dear brothers and sisters who are suffering physically. These verses struck me this morning; He is able to send a peace that is better than all the answers in the world!

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Messiah Yeshua."

I'm asking for this kind of peace...the peace that surpasses understanding; that is perfect and complete and better than answers, that will guard my heart and guard my mind, and help to keep me in tune with His heart!

A Little Strength

 I was reading in Revelation this morning, and was quite struck by a passage in chapter 3.  I had read it before, but today it hit me in a new way. How many times are we tempted to give up? We are given a command to persevere! Yeshua says, "a little strength"...that's all we need to keep going...

"See, I have set before you an open door, and no one can shut it; for you have a little strength, have kept My word, and have not denied My name. Indeed I will make those...to know that I have loved you. Because you have kept My command to persevere, I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world, to test those who dwell on the earth. Behold, I am coming quickly! Hold fast what you have, that no one may take your crown. He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God, and he shall go out no more. I will write on him the name of My God and the name of the city of My God, the New Jerusalem..."  (Rev. 3:8-12, emphasis added)

Amen...what beautiful words of strength and reassurance!

Uplifting Quotes

~Life is about change. Sometimes it’s beautiful. Sometimes it’s painful. But most of the time…it’s both

~Everything is ok in the end. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end

~Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.

~When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on

~The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen--Elisabeth Kübler Ross

~You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you’ve got, and remember what you had. Always forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret. People change, things go wrong, but just remember life goes on

~And I’ve finally learned what life’s all about…hanging on when your heart’s had enough, and giving more when you want to give up

~When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”

~It’s not what they take away from you that counts. It’s what you do with what you have left

~No smile is more beautiful than one that struggles through tears

~Friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest…. It’s about who came, and never left your side.

Tell your heart to beat again...

I've tended to to analyze myself over and over again..."is being sick for so long my fault? What if I had handled everything perfectly the last several years, what if I had had more faith, what if I had caught my mistakes earlier...would I be in a different place today? Is this a punishment? Why am I watching others live "my" dreams while it is hard for me to make it through each day? What am I doing wrong?" 

I do believe there is a place for examining ourselves to make sure there is nothing we need to repent of...I have done that many times. At the same time, what I have to continually work on is taking everything to Yeshua and leaving it there. He has forgiven me, He is making everything new, and I have to take one day at a time, seeking His face, living to hear His voice. I am begging for that! I keep reminding myself that once I get one glimpse of His face, none of this will matter any more...none of the tears or pain or confusion will be important anymore. 

I want so much to be more for my friends and family, and it hurts me that I can't do more. It hurts me that I cry so often, that I need prayer so often, that I have to say I'm still not feeling well. Even if it's not my fault, I still feel like I'm letting others down. That's where I have to lay it all down, humble myself again, and remind myself that I can't live in regret. This is where the Father has me, and while I know He is healing me, I have to embrace where I am and seek Him with more fervor each day. Yeshua and His desires have to be my first pursuit, my only desires. I am so very thankful for my dear friends and family who have stuck by me all the way, prayed for me, loved me even when I can't do much in return. 

Anyways, this song really blessed me, and I wanted to share it with you all.

I am feeling the need to start journaling what our Father is doing in my life these days. I look back over the last 2 or 3 years, and it is hard to even process everything that has happened. I know there has been so much that I have not handled well, and so many things seem like a bad dream. But I can say that Yeshua has held my hand and walked me through each and every moment, and even through all the tears and confusion, He has never given up on me. 

I saw someone last night that I had not seen since last Spring, and he was so shocked and amazed by how I looked. I have gained quite a bit of weight since then! That got me thinking, so I pulled out a picture from a year ago and merged it with a picture taken in Jerusalem this past fall.

Wow, what a visual testimony of our Father's grace...The picture on the left was taken last January, when I weighed about 93 pounds. I knew I needed to gain weight, I knew I was dangerously underweight, but things seemed impossible. My body could barely handle the amount of food I was eating, and every time I tried to eat more, it seemed the pain, reflux, nausea and gastro-paresis symptoms worsened.

In January, I went to help out some friends of mine for a few days who had just had their 10th baby. While there, they impressed upon me that I needed to do whatever it took to gain weight, no matter the pain, because they didn't want me to miss out on all God has for me. I knew they were right, and that day was a turning point for me. I began to up my food intake, until I leveled out at about 3,000 calories a day.  The next  6+ months were full of pain and tears and confusion and many many times I was at the point of giving up. I am so thankful for my friends and family who rallied about me and wouldn't let me quit. The picture on the right was taken in October, I believe, weighing in 35 pounds heavier.

It's tempting for me to give in to discouragement and even hopelessness sometimes. I still feel so bad just about every day, and there are days I feel I just can't go on. My stomach still hurts every day, I still feel weak and dizzy and exhausted, I am still in pain, it is still hard to imagine what is like to feel good. But I was reminded last night that I have to remember what our God has done for me already! He has always seen me through, and I know He will not fail me now. 

Another verse I've been holding on to lately has been Joel 2:25 "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..."

I choose to believe His promises, knowing that He can redeem even these long years of sickness and pain. Father, help me never to give in to the temptation to feel like things will never get better. I trust you, and more than anything else, I want to walk hand-in-hand with you and to love you more and more each day...