Ponderings

I have a hard time figuring myself out sometimes...wondering how I can go from feeling happy and at peace one moment, to feeling so alone and vulnerable the next. How I can feel like crying so easily, when I was fine moments ago. I feel like a little girl; and am so thankful that God calls Himself my Father over and over throughout His Word. He picks me up, carries me through, and oh so patiently and tenderly leads me and teaches me.

I was feeling that way this afternoon, and have had so many differing emotions! I have been pondering something deeply these last couple of days, and I am going to try to share it with you.

God gave me a revelation this week, that I suspect is going to be a turning point in my life. Once I start trying to explain it to people, I realize how simple it is, and it is humbling, because I realize just how narrow my thinking has been.

Conviction fell heavily the other day with this realization: I have been living as if this life is all there is. That sounds terrible for a believer in Yeshua to say, doesn't it? I trusted Him for my salvation, and looked forward to being with Him someday, but as far as the way I viewed my life right now, I realize I was too wrapped up to be able to see the bigger picture. I struggled so much with my desires and feelings...and fear. What if things never get better? What if I'm sick the rest of my life? What if I never get married and have to keep watching it happen to all my friends? The Bible talks about children of your youth; what if I never have children? What if my whole life is a waste?

With these temptations came an almost icy feeling in my chest...is all this for naught? Why would God give me dreams, desires and gifts and not allow me to fulfill them? I have felt like my youth, and my life really, has been wasted. I must confess that to my great dismay, I even had a hard time getting very excited about Yeshua's return, much as I wanted to...it seems wrapped in so much mystery, and I must say, a fear there too, that I would not be found worthy at His coming. 

I read an article the other day that really started me thinking about all of this. About the life that is coming; the life we will live when Yeshua sets us His Kingdom and we get to reign with Him! Suddenly, I felt like my whole thought process flipped upside-down. Wait a minute, why didn't I see this before? I can't know exact details about what life will be like, but I do know it will be wonderful and amazing. 

"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither has entered into the heart of man, the things that God has prepared for those who love Him."

We will be able to serve Him fully, with undivided love, and strong bodies. All the frustration I feel now because I can't serve Him like I want to, will be gone, and I will have a strong, healthy body, able to serve Him in strength and joy.  Surely there will be children to take care of...just because I am not able to have that desire realized right now, doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Is. 54:1 says, "'Sing, O barren, you who have not borne! Break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not labored with child. For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman,' says the LORD." 

Forgive me if this is a bit disjointed...I feel like my head is still spinning, and I think it will take time to sort this all out. Some things I came away with, though:

~Even though I will continue to hope and pray for healing, I realized something...even if I am sick the rest of my life, even if things never get easier, even if I never get married, never have children, it's okay. This is not the end, and my life will not have been wasted! Somehow, He has some work that I can do for Him now, even if it's not the way I imagined. 
And there is an amazing, glorious wedding coming that I can look forward to...and a glorious life with my King after that, with work to do for Him! My Bridegroom is coming, and suddenly I realize, it will all be worth it.

~Really for the first time, God allowed me to see at least part of the purpose of the suffering of the last few years. I know my flesh, and my tendency towards complacency...maybe if I had gotten what I wanted, I would have just settled down to a "normal" life. Instead, He has really driven it in my heart this week: this is not my home! I am just passing through, preparing for all eternity. 

"What joy for those whose strength comes from the LORD, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem." Ps. 84:5-7

Thank you, Father, for even this painful tool to save me from complacency. Forgive my selfishness, and help me to keep my eyes on You and Your plan!

~I have such a longing for Yeshua's return...I long to be with Him, to see His face, to walk the streets of Jerusalem where He is reigning as King! 

~I was reminded--again--that HE is the one who will preserve me for His coming. Yes, I must continue to walk in righteousness before Him, but I am not the one holding myself up. It says over and over throughout Scripture that HE keeps us from all evil, HE is preserving us, HE is able to keep that which I've committed to Him. 

"Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Yeshua Messiah. He who call you is faithful, who also will do it." 1 Thess. 5:23-24

I don't have to be afraid, because He is faithful!

This verse has been blessing me the last few days as well, because I feel like the Father is telling me that this is not in vain...

"But you, be strong and do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded!" 2 Chron. 15:7 

 Thank you for allowing me to share, and for bearing with me here...I feel like I couldn't do justice to what I've been learning, but I wanted to at least try to share. Maybe you are wondering why this is such a revelation for me, and why I didn't get this before. I feel so weak and unworthy, and am just amazed at the awesome faithfulness and trustworthiness of my Heavenly Father. He is so patient with me...I feel like one of the weakest of His children, yet He is leading me every step of the way, and continuing to teach me His ways. 

Many blessings and much love in Yeshua,
Abby

Hey Everyone,

It's hard to believe it is already September! I'm sorry for not updating you all in so long...this seems to have been a season of waiting for me...praying for direction regarding my health, resting in my Father's arms. The word He has given us lately has been to rest in Him, as He battles on our behalf. 

I am so grateful, awed, and humbled by the response I have gotten from my fundraiser so far...such an amazing blessing to see God meet my needs in this way; each time I get a donation or note of encouragement from someone, I feel like it is a personal reminder from Him that He has NOT forgotten about He, but that He has me in the palms of His hands. Thank you all for allowing Him to use you to bless me like that!

Sometimes waiting can be a hard thing...we all have our dreams and our plans--many times God-given dreams and plans--that we want to be carrying out. I find that being at home so sick, unable to do much, makes it easy to give in to doubt and fear.

Fear wants to come in and torment me about the future...what if things are always this way? What if they only get worse, not better? You feel like your youth has already been wasted, what if this is all there is?

Guilt wants me to believe that being so sick is all my fault. If only I had more faith, if only I didn't mess up so much. Those dreams you have, maybe you want them too much. Maybe this is a punishment!

Shame wants me to believe that my life is a waste because I can't serve God the way I long to. Your dear friends are going through a terrible trial right now, and you weren't even strong enough to stay and support them for more than a few days. You left when they needed you the most!

There are many other feelings as well, but the best way I've found to deal with these is with God's Word. He promises that His Word will not return to Him void! I am so thankful for the many precious promises He has given to me. He is trustworthy, and I am so honored to be His daughter. I've really been blessed by Lamentations chapter 3 lately...many of the verses describe exactly how I feel.

"And I said, 'My strength and my hope have perished from the LORD...this I recall to mind, therefore I have hope. Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I hope in Him!' The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him...for the LORD will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. For He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men...I called on Your Name, O LORD, from the lowest pit. You have heard my voice: 'do not hide Your ear from my sighing, from my cry for help.' You drew near on the day I called on You, and said, 'Do not fear!'"

So many things going on that I don't understand...and I can't try to understand. It is enough to know that my Father understands and knows all things, and He is directing and orchestrating things according to His will. I just have to rest in Him and what He is doing. Please pray for me, that I would have the strength to hold on to Him and His promises!

Physically, I'm still struggling very much with a whole host of debilitating symptoms. I have 3 different doctor's appointments in this next week or two, and so I would really appreciate all of your prayers for wisdom and direction, clarity of mind, and that the Father would lead and guide me in the way I should go. I see a gastroenterologist this week, and then next week a neurologist and my regular Lyme doctor. I am really praying for more specific answers! 

I know I have shared a lot of songs with you all...but the truth is, the Father has so many times used these songs in my life. One of the symptoms I experience is brain fog/trouble thinking/focusing, and oftentimes when that hits, I can hardly think or even pray. Many times these songs have ministered to me, as I have sung them back to the Lord. Sometimes I have to declare out loud, "Yes Lord, I choose to believe, I choose to trust you, You are faithful, You are good, You are kind, You are just." Speaking these things out loud really helps! Anyways, this is another one of the songs that has blessed me. 

Thank you all for being such a wonderful support team. I love you all and am thankful for the friends and family God has blessed me with!