"And now, LORD, what do I wait for? My hope is in You." Ps. 39:7

I was challenged a bit ago by something I read about obstacles. Someone described an obstacle as an opportunity for a miracle so God can be glorified.

That's right! No matter how impossible the circumstances...even when I can't figure things out, even when we don't have any answers, I know that God delights in the impossible. I am fighting with all that is in me to hold on to Him, knowing that in HIM is life and hope and love and joy and peace.

I've been in nearly unbearable pain today, which even high doses of pain relievers aren't seeming to touch. I've been challenged to not be afraid to hope and to believe God for healing and complete deliverance.

"Who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." Ps. 103:5

Even though so much of my youth has been spent in sickness, I believe He can bring restoration!

I appreciate you all praying for me...it means so much! Please pray for the strength to hold on to hope and to believe God for a miracle. More than anything else, I want Him to be glorified. I want to have His seal imprinted so plainly on my forehead, that those who look at me will only see His beauty shining through me. That has been my desire for years, and I see how short I have fallen. But as I continually surrender to Him, I trust Him to complete the work He has begun in me.

Happy Mother's Day, MOM!

UPDATE: Family Picture! Except for Dad, who was at work

I am blessed with the most amazing mother in the whole world! Mom, I just want to take a minute to publicly thank you for being there for me so many times. Mom, you've been my best friend...thank you for listening to me, hearing my secrets, crying with me, praying with me, walking through this incredibly tough time with me. Your love, strength and support have meant so much! Not just the numerous doctor/clinic visits you've taken me to, but for just being there for me, even through the many times where I have felt I couldn't go on. Thank you for believing me even in the years before I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. You never once doubted how badly I was feeling, even though we couldn't figure out why. You've walked with me through some dark valleys, physically, emotionally and spiritually, most importantly always pointing me back to my Savior, reminding me to keep my eyes focused on Him when I felt I was sinking. I love you so much! I'm sorry you've had to go through so much for my sake, but thank you for faithfully standing with me. I wanted share this song by the Isaacs in your honor: "Yours and Mine"

On Saturday night, both my married siblings showed up with their spouses for the weekend to surprise Mom  for Mother's Day :-) Alex and his wife Katie planned to get here around 10 Saturday night, and so we were all trying to keep awake while Mom read aloud in the living room (she didn't know anything). About 9:15, we heard a noise on the porch, the door slowly opened, and my sister Katie popped her head in, followed by Nate, surprising all of us! Alex and Katie walked in shortly after that, thoroughly astonishing Mom :-) She was very blessed, and we had a nice weekend together. I hope to put a picture up tomorrow!

I'm sorry for not keeping you all updated about how I've been doing. I find it so hard to explain how I'm feeling day to day, and it's often hard to put into words. This past week has been more intense...a lot of pain all over, which leaves me resorting to pain relievers much more often, and I have also had much more stomach pain. Brain fog makes it hard to think clearly, or even to read or pray sometimes; my heart decides to randomly act up, and exhaustion and dizziness leaves me feeling drained. I don't know if some of this is "die off" from the heavy-duty IV antibiotics I am on, or just my "normal" Lyme symptoms. Just trying to take one day at a time. I'll try to do a better job keeping up with this blog!

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." (Prov. 13:12) To be honest, I've been struggling to hold on to hope. So many times, I feel like I just can't go on. Each time, my Savior picks me up and says, "Yes you can."  But it is incredibly painful. It will be 7 years this summer since I first got sick, never dreaming how long this would go on. Like my friend Monica, I'm thankful I didn't know. God has given me strength day by day and I can only cling to Him, knowing that He ultimately wants me well.

It is just a jolting reminder of how things stand when simple tasks or events turn into a major ordeal. Like when a hot shower brings on horribly intense symptoms. Like having family over for the weekend, where I want to be engaged in all the activity around me, yet find it hard just to get through the day. Like going to a bridal shower for one of my dearest friends...I want to be there for her, to join in the activities, to let her know how much I love her...instead of spending much of the time by myself in the bedroom, or lying in the car.

I keep wondering when will I be able to enjoy activities again, to actually feel up to sitting and visiting with friends, up to travelling, up to talking with people, able to genuinely smile more often, without feeling like I'm going to cry on the inside?  When will I be able to go to gatherings without needing to leave half-way through, or having to find somewhere to lie down? 

Yes, my heart often feels sick from "hope deferred", but I am placing my heart in the hands of my Great Physician, the ONLY one who can make me all better, through and through, inside AND out. Mom keeps reminding me of the ENDING of Proverbs 13:12: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." 

I know God has a plan, and it is only good. He is holy, and because of His holiness, I can trust that everything He is doing in my life has a purpose, and He is using this to craft me into who He wants me to be. Oh Father, help me to hold on and trust You with all that is in me...it is foolish in me to complain...I can only see this little bit of now, while You can see it all, throughout all eternity. 

I love the NLT translation of Ps. 84:5-7:

"What joy for those whose strength comes from the LORD, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem." Ps. 84:5-7