Wilderness

Dry. Barren. Desolate. Lonely. Unfruitful. Hot. Uncomfortable. These words come to mind when I think of "desert" or "wilderness".  

I've been wanting to write a follow-up to my last blog post, but just have not seemed able to get it together. I appreciate so much each one of you who left me a comment or sent an email; it encourages me so much to hear from you!

Honestly, last week I got hit pretty hard physically. I was left lying in bed, too dizzy and weak to hardly get out of bed, too sick to eat, talk, read, or even think really. It was a frightening time, as not only was my stomach acting up and I was growing weaker from being unable to eat, but my heart was acting crazy as well, and I was so dizzy and exhausted and in pain, and felt like I was barely making it through each day. It is all a blur, and I hardly even know how I got through. Someone maybe would mention my blog post, and I would struggle to think, what did I write about again?  Brain fog is one of the symptoms I experience on a regular basis that is very hard for me to deal with. Feeling like I just can't concentrate or think, trying to focus enough to read or pray, where everything seems fuzzy and cloudy and I just can't seem to pull myself together. I'm thankful for a place to record some of the lessons God is teaching me...I sometimes have to go back and read through my posts to encourage myself when I can hardly think straight! 

So this brings me back to the wilderness. I often feel like this season in my life is comparable to that wilderness. Don't get me wrong, our Father has blessed me abundantly, and I am so thankful for His love, care and provision, and the blessings He has poured out on me. But at the same time, one by one, my dreams and desires feel like they are being uprooted and crushed before me. Even this week, another dream had to die. I often feel alone, uncomfortable, barren, desolate, unfruitful...just like that wilderness. I was talking to Mom this morning, and she shared something out of Jeremiah 2 with me:

“Go and cry in the hearing of Jerusalem, saying, ‘Thus says the LORD:
“I remember you,
The kindness of your youth,
The love of your betrothal,
When you went after Me in the wilderness,
In a land not sown."

I had not paid much attention to this verse before, and when Mom mentioned it, it really struck something in me. Immediately, Song of Solomon 8:5 came to my mind, a verse that has greatly fascinated me for years.

"Who is this coming up from the wilderness,
Leaning upon her beloved?"

I've always been intrigued by this verse, as this is what I want! I want to come out of this wilderness, leaning on my Beloved. Or even if I have to stay here a long time, I want to be found leaning on Him. 

So here we have two aspects: we are to go after Him in the wilderness, and come out leaning upon Him! Oh how I long for that with everything that is in me! Another verse that came to mind that also seems to be a piece to the puzzle, is Deut. 32:10:

"He found him in a desert land,And in the wasteland, a howling wilderness;He encircled Him, He instructed Him,He kept Him as the apple of His eye."

Maybe this is part of the answer to my prayer of today...Oh Father, how do I go after You in the wilderness? How can I be found leaning on You, my Beloved?

So is it that as I go after Him, He finds me, encircles me, and leads me on, leaning on Him? Maybe this has something to do with Psalm 91 as well; abiding under His shelter, finding rest under His shadow? 

 I know so many of you are praying for me...can I ask that you would pray this for me specifically? That He would teach me how to go after Him in this wilderness? That I would be able to lean forevermore on my Beloved? That even when I'm experiencing brain fog, exhaustion, pain, sleeplessness, tears, confusion...even when I can't seem to hear or see or feel anything spiritually, that I would know that He is shadowing me and keeping me? Oh how I long for that!

Thank you for letting me share once again; it often helps me sort out my thoughts to start writing, and I am thankful for each thing the Father is teaching me along the way. Thank you all so much for your love and prayers!

Much love,
Abby

Ponderings

I have a hard time figuring myself out sometimes...wondering how I can go from feeling happy and at peace one moment, to feeling so alone and vulnerable the next. How I can feel like crying so easily, when I was fine moments ago. I feel like a little girl; and am so thankful that God calls Himself my Father over and over throughout His Word. He picks me up, carries me through, and oh so patiently and tenderly leads me and teaches me.

I was feeling that way this afternoon, and have had so many differing emotions! I have been pondering something deeply these last couple of days, and I am going to try to share it with you.

God gave me a revelation this week, that I suspect is going to be a turning point in my life. Once I start trying to explain it to people, I realize how simple it is, and it is humbling, because I realize just how narrow my thinking has been.

Conviction fell heavily the other day with this realization: I have been living as if this life is all there is. That sounds terrible for a believer in Yeshua to say, doesn't it? I trusted Him for my salvation, and looked forward to being with Him someday, but as far as the way I viewed my life right now, I realize I was too wrapped up to be able to see the bigger picture. I struggled so much with my desires and feelings...and fear. What if things never get better? What if I'm sick the rest of my life? What if I never get married and have to keep watching it happen to all my friends? The Bible talks about children of your youth; what if I never have children? What if my whole life is a waste?

With these temptations came an almost icy feeling in my chest...is all this for naught? Why would God give me dreams, desires and gifts and not allow me to fulfill them? I have felt like my youth, and my life really, has been wasted. I must confess that to my great dismay, I even had a hard time getting very excited about Yeshua's return, much as I wanted to...it seems wrapped in so much mystery, and I must say, a fear there too, that I would not be found worthy at His coming. 

I read an article the other day that really started me thinking about all of this. About the life that is coming; the life we will live when Yeshua sets us His Kingdom and we get to reign with Him! Suddenly, I felt like my whole thought process flipped upside-down. Wait a minute, why didn't I see this before? I can't know exact details about what life will be like, but I do know it will be wonderful and amazing. 

"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither has entered into the heart of man, the things that God has prepared for those who love Him."

We will be able to serve Him fully, with undivided love, and strong bodies. All the frustration I feel now because I can't serve Him like I want to, will be gone, and I will have a strong, healthy body, able to serve Him in strength and joy.  Surely there will be children to take care of...just because I am not able to have that desire realized right now, doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Is. 54:1 says, "'Sing, O barren, you who have not borne! Break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not labored with child. For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman,' says the LORD." 

Forgive me if this is a bit disjointed...I feel like my head is still spinning, and I think it will take time to sort this all out. Some things I came away with, though:

~Even though I will continue to hope and pray for healing, I realized something...even if I am sick the rest of my life, even if things never get easier, even if I never get married, never have children, it's okay. This is not the end, and my life will not have been wasted! Somehow, He has some work that I can do for Him now, even if it's not the way I imagined. 
And there is an amazing, glorious wedding coming that I can look forward to...and a glorious life with my King after that, with work to do for Him! My Bridegroom is coming, and suddenly I realize, it will all be worth it.

~Really for the first time, God allowed me to see at least part of the purpose of the suffering of the last few years. I know my flesh, and my tendency towards complacency...maybe if I had gotten what I wanted, I would have just settled down to a "normal" life. Instead, He has really driven it in my heart this week: this is not my home! I am just passing through, preparing for all eternity. 

"What joy for those whose strength comes from the LORD, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem." Ps. 84:5-7

Thank you, Father, for even this painful tool to save me from complacency. Forgive my selfishness, and help me to keep my eyes on You and Your plan!

~I have such a longing for Yeshua's return...I long to be with Him, to see His face, to walk the streets of Jerusalem where He is reigning as King! 

~I was reminded--again--that HE is the one who will preserve me for His coming. Yes, I must continue to walk in righteousness before Him, but I am not the one holding myself up. It says over and over throughout Scripture that HE keeps us from all evil, HE is preserving us, HE is able to keep that which I've committed to Him. 

"Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Yeshua Messiah. He who call you is faithful, who also will do it." 1 Thess. 5:23-24

I don't have to be afraid, because He is faithful!

This verse has been blessing me the last few days as well, because I feel like the Father is telling me that this is not in vain...

"But you, be strong and do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded!" 2 Chron. 15:7 

 Thank you for allowing me to share, and for bearing with me here...I feel like I couldn't do justice to what I've been learning, but I wanted to at least try to share. Maybe you are wondering why this is such a revelation for me, and why I didn't get this before. I feel so weak and unworthy, and am just amazed at the awesome faithfulness and trustworthiness of my Heavenly Father. He is so patient with me...I feel like one of the weakest of His children, yet He is leading me every step of the way, and continuing to teach me His ways. 

Many blessings and much love in Yeshua,
Abby

Hey Everyone,

It's hard to believe it is already September! I'm sorry for not updating you all in so long...this seems to have been a season of waiting for me...praying for direction regarding my health, resting in my Father's arms. The word He has given us lately has been to rest in Him, as He battles on our behalf. 

I am so grateful, awed, and humbled by the response I have gotten from my fundraiser so far...such an amazing blessing to see God meet my needs in this way; each time I get a donation or note of encouragement from someone, I feel like it is a personal reminder from Him that He has NOT forgotten about He, but that He has me in the palms of His hands. Thank you all for allowing Him to use you to bless me like that!

Sometimes waiting can be a hard thing...we all have our dreams and our plans--many times God-given dreams and plans--that we want to be carrying out. I find that being at home so sick, unable to do much, makes it easy to give in to doubt and fear.

Fear wants to come in and torment me about the future...what if things are always this way? What if they only get worse, not better? You feel like your youth has already been wasted, what if this is all there is?

Guilt wants me to believe that being so sick is all my fault. If only I had more faith, if only I didn't mess up so much. Those dreams you have, maybe you want them too much. Maybe this is a punishment!

Shame wants me to believe that my life is a waste because I can't serve God the way I long to. Your dear friends are going through a terrible trial right now, and you weren't even strong enough to stay and support them for more than a few days. You left when they needed you the most!

There are many other feelings as well, but the best way I've found to deal with these is with God's Word. He promises that His Word will not return to Him void! I am so thankful for the many precious promises He has given to me. He is trustworthy, and I am so honored to be His daughter. I've really been blessed by Lamentations chapter 3 lately...many of the verses describe exactly how I feel.

"And I said, 'My strength and my hope have perished from the LORD...this I recall to mind, therefore I have hope. Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I hope in Him!' The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him...for the LORD will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. For He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men...I called on Your Name, O LORD, from the lowest pit. You have heard my voice: 'do not hide Your ear from my sighing, from my cry for help.' You drew near on the day I called on You, and said, 'Do not fear!'"

So many things going on that I don't understand...and I can't try to understand. It is enough to know that my Father understands and knows all things, and He is directing and orchestrating things according to His will. I just have to rest in Him and what He is doing. Please pray for me, that I would have the strength to hold on to Him and His promises!

Physically, I'm still struggling very much with a whole host of debilitating symptoms. I have 3 different doctor's appointments in this next week or two, and so I would really appreciate all of your prayers for wisdom and direction, clarity of mind, and that the Father would lead and guide me in the way I should go. I see a gastroenterologist this week, and then next week a neurologist and my regular Lyme doctor. I am really praying for more specific answers! 

I know I have shared a lot of songs with you all...but the truth is, the Father has so many times used these songs in my life. One of the symptoms I experience is brain fog/trouble thinking/focusing, and oftentimes when that hits, I can hardly think or even pray. Many times these songs have ministered to me, as I have sung them back to the Lord. Sometimes I have to declare out loud, "Yes Lord, I choose to believe, I choose to trust you, You are faithful, You are good, You are kind, You are just." Speaking these things out loud really helps! Anyways, this is another one of the songs that has blessed me. 

Thank you all for being such a wonderful support team. I love you all and am thankful for the friends and family God has blessed me with!

Thank you all for your prayers for me over this past week.  We have been able to work at killing off some active Lyme this week, and think some of the bio-film surrounding the bacteria may have been opened up! So that is a good thing, but it has just put a lot of stress on my heart. It is like I am having an allergic reaction to all the bacteria right now, and so I have been very sick this week, hardly able to get out of bed at some points, with severe chest pain, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, weakness, exhaustion, etc. I am being monitored pretty carefully, and have been able to receive excellent treatment and care this week. I was dehydrated yesterday and needing IV fluids, so I spent the afternoon at the clinic, returning home late last evening so exhausted.

Look what I found on my nightstand when I returned! My youngest brother and sister, Justin and Caroline, found a little honey pot we haven't used in awhile, and left it with this note:

They stuffed it full of notes of encouragement, Scriptures, and love notes...wasn't that sweet of them? I have the BEST family, and I am so thankful for them!

Aren't they cute?

And then the other evening, right at dinner time, my brother Luke dropped everything he was doing to drive 40 minutes each way to pick up some much needed supplements for my heart. He even stopped to buy me flowers on the way home! So thankful for this amazing brother of mine...he is such a strength and blessing to me!

Thank You, Father, for the amazing family and friends You have blessed me with! I can't imagine trying to go through this without the amazing support system God has raised up for me. He is so faithful!

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers...the battle is still raging, and hasn't let up much yet, but I am just spending lots of time resting, and trying to keep my eyes fixed on the One who can calm my every storm. Please pray that I would be able to fully trust in Him, even when I can't understand what is going on. It is hard to focus or think straight or even pray when things are so intense physically, and it means so much to know there are many others lifting up my arms and fighting for me when I am so weak.

Also lifting up in prayer my dear friends who are fighting an incredible battle as well...like my precious friend, Monica, who has been suffering for years with Lyme disease, and yet has encouraged me more than I can say. Her love for our Savior, her faith and trust and hope inspire me to never give up. If you are a coffee drinker, consider buying her amazing coffee (which helps her raise money for treatments!)

Be blessed, my dear friends, and know how much you are loved and appreciated!

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD." Psalm 27:13-14

I wanted to thank each of you again for your continued prayers for me, for holding up my arms when I feel like I can't go on. I can't even tell you how much that means to me!  I spent the weekend mostly flat in bed, too dizzy to hardly move, extremely short of breath, with some issues going on with my heart. My Heavenly Father is always faithful to bring me through even the harder-than-normal times, however, and it seems like He wants to make sure I am fully trusting Him.

So thankful for some reminders of His loving care this week: a phone call from a very dear friend, several notes of encouragement, answered prayers, even cooler weather! Thank You, Father, for Your faithfulness, love and care, which is always there. Help me to always look to You, and not to my circumstances!

Some prayer points for the next few weeks:

~Strength for my physical heart to be able to handle the die-off of Lyme bacteria, and wisdom to know how much I can handle
~Financial provision to be able to continue treatment
~Continued direction--if there is another treatment option I am supposed to pursue, that we would be given wisdom and all the details worked out
~That any hidden issues with my health would be revealed, so that if there is a missing link to address, we would know how to go about that

Again, thank you all SO MUCH for your love and support. I can't imagine having to go through this alone, and I am so grateful for each and every one of you, and of course for my amazing family as well.

Be blessed and strengthened today!

Chazak v'ematz,
Abby

Thank you!

I wanted to thank each of you who took the time to send me an encouraging email or e-card on my birthday on Sunday...I was literally overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and blessing I received! You can never know how much that means to me, or how deeply you blessed and encouraged me. I felt so loved, even though I don't deserve it...

I know I probably won't be able to respond to each message, so I wanted to write a public thank-you! I am so thankful that I don't have to fight this battle alone...not only is Yeshua right by my side every step of the way, He also sent so many wonderful people to stand with me and hold up my arms when I get tired.

This verse has been on my heart the last few days: 

"Do not grow weary in well-doing, for in due season you shall reap, if you do not lose heart." 

That really spoke to me, especially the part about "in due season"...just because I can't see it right now, just because I don't know when that season will come, He still promises that it will!

Thank you all for your prayers, support and love...it means so much! I'll try and post an update soon, as things are still intense physically, but for now, I just want you all to know how much you are appreciated!

One of my very favorite Scriptures:

Update

Our Father has been revealing so much to me this past week. Things about myself, and my relationship with Him...I came across this quote the other day:

At some point you’re going to feel lost in your faith because God doesn’t do what you expect Him to do.   And it will be that moment when you find out what it truly means to have faith

I guess I didn't really understand what faith was like until what I did have was shaken down to the roots. 

This whole past year, I have struggled to fully trust Him. It is so easy to say we trust Him, yet I have found myself questioning His will and purposes so many times, found myself asking "why"...my deepest heart's desire was to fully surrender and trust, and I struggled with guilt because I was having a hard time accepting where He has me right now.

This past weekend, He revealed to me with shocking clarity how self-centered I have been.  To complain because He didn't do what I wanted Him to do when I wanted Him to do it...that has been a completely selfish and demanding attitude!  He broke me once again, and I have had to repent for having the focus on me. NONE of this is about me, it is all about HIM and His will! This sickness is not about me, and His healing will not be about me.

More than anything...I want more of Him, and I want His will to be accomplished through me.  Coming to that point of brokenness and surrender has brought such peace! He has NEVER ever failed me...He has been so very faithful, and never left my side, even through the darkest valleys, and I know He never will. I can trust Him that He knows what He is doing, and I don't have to figure it out! I'm leaving it in His hands...with that has come peace and anticipation for what He is going to do. Whatever it is will be much better than what I could have chosen.

A friend of mine sent me this song the other day, and I was so excited after I listened to it, because it describes almost exactly where I am right now.  This is my prayer...

On a physical note, I had my 3-month check-in with my LLMD the other day. We talked about where I am right now, and after finding out that I don't feel any better after being on the IV antibiotics for so long, he decided to go ahead and pull the PICC line. We are taking a break from antibiotics for now, and can re-evaluate in 3 months. It feels good to have my arm free again, especially as I have a painful rash since I started reacting to all the tape and dressing a few weeks ago.

Even though there is nothing I can do about it, I have to fight against feeling like a failure because none of my treatments have made me feel better. 

I did get some blood-work back that revealed several major deficiencies in several areas. The doctor is very hopeful that supplementing these things should make a big difference in how I feel. 

 I appreciate your prayers so much...here are some specific ways I would love prayer for:

• That I would continue in His peace, being able to fully rest in what He is doing 
• That I would be able to continually surrender my desires to Him, knowing that He is ALL that I need
• For healing for the imbalances and defiencies in my body, even to the point of restoring missing genes
• Continued wisdom medically--if there is something we are missing, or something different we need to be doing, that He would reveal that
• That my spirit would be strong, even when my flesh is weak...when I am in so much pain, with brain fog, exhaustion, dizziness, weakness, etc. it can be much harder to stay strong and full of faith. I'm thankful He is able to keep what I have committed to Him (2 Tim. 1:12)

Many blessings to you all today as you rest in His shalom!

~Abby