This is a pretty good picture of how I often feel.

It's been a whirlwind of a month...we spent 2 weeks in KY celebrating Passover and my dear little sister's wedding!  It was a blessed time, even though I had a relapse and spent the last week in bed, in terrible pain, and with my stomach much worse than it's been in a long time. Two days after arriving home, I got a PICC line put in my arm to be able to administer IV antibiotics to treat the Lyme disease. After a week of faithfully doing the infusions every 8 hours while doing lots of natural things to boost my immune system, I got really sick over the weekend, ended up in the ER and then found out I'm allergic to the medication I was on.  God was so faithful to lead us and guide us every step of the way, and I'm so thankful for His wisdom and protection.

Confusion, pain, lots of tears, weakness, lots of time in bed. Time to pause, reconsider...okay, Father, what do you want me to learn here? I feel like it keeps coming back to trust. Trust Me, keep your eyes on Me. I have the answer, I'm holding you in My arms. 

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills, from whence comes my help? My help comes from the LORD, who made Heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to be moved, He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade at your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul. The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore." (Ps. 121)

He's got me in the palm of His hand! Yes, it is so hard to understand His plan sometimes. I have so many dear brothers and sisters praying fervently for me...so why do things seem to be getting worse at times? I don't have all the answers, but I do know that I can leave it all with Him! He makes no mistakes, and His promises will stand. He is healing me, and He promises to turn my mourning into dancing, to put off my sackcloth and clothe me with gladness.  Why? "To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever." (Ps. 30:12)

I don't want to wait until I'm well to give Him thanks and praise and glory. I can say with all my heart, He is faithful...He is trustworthy...He is good.  He is leading and guiding us each step of the way, and I am so grateful. Without Him, I wouldn't be able to go on, but this is the cry of my heart:

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live, I will lift up my hands in Your Name." (Ps. 63:3,4)

I can't thank you all enough for praying for me and holding up my arms. It mean so very much to have this support and encouragement. You all are a blessing!

A friend sent this video to us, and I thought it was a wonderful explanation...and a reminder that I needed to hear!  It's hard to look at the big picture sometimes, but I need to remember that all these things in my life play a role in God's ultimate plan, even if it's not in the way I've imagined! Like it says at the end, "God is in complete control, even when He remains behind the scenes...and the Master of the Universe will yet have His say!"

Happy Purim!

Peace

Physically, these past 2 weeks have been extremely difficult...the last couple of days, especially, have brought nearly unbearable pain at times, which leaves me in tears.  

These are the times where I find it hardest to hold on; temptations to give up or despair are the strongest...however, I do not want my physical symptoms to dictate my spiritual walk! I am starting to realize His gentleness and tenderness with us when we are weak...He promises to hold my right hand, to give power when I am weak, to never leave me or forsake me, that He will restore my youth, that I will be able to walk without growing weary and run without growing faint! He promises to satiate the weary soul and fulfill every longing soul.

I was very blessed by Philippians 4:6,7 this morning. I have asked/wondered "why" many times; not only for me, but for all my dear brothers and sisters who are suffering physically. These verses struck me this morning; He is able to send a peace that is better than all the answers in the world!

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Messiah Yeshua."

I'm asking for this kind of peace...the peace that surpasses understanding; that is perfect and complete and better than answers, that will guard my heart and guard my mind, and help to keep me in tune with His heart!

A Little Strength

 I was reading in Revelation this morning, and was quite struck by a passage in chapter 3.  I had read it before, but today it hit me in a new way. How many times are we tempted to give up? We are given a command to persevere! Yeshua says, "a little strength"...that's all we need to keep going...

"See, I have set before you an open door, and no one can shut it; for you have a little strength, have kept My word, and have not denied My name. Indeed I will make those...to know that I have loved you. Because you have kept My command to persevere, I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world, to test those who dwell on the earth. Behold, I am coming quickly! Hold fast what you have, that no one may take your crown. He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God, and he shall go out no more. I will write on him the name of My God and the name of the city of My God, the New Jerusalem..."  (Rev. 3:8-12, emphasis added)

Amen...what beautiful words of strength and reassurance!

Uplifting Quotes

~Life is about change. Sometimes it’s beautiful. Sometimes it’s painful. But most of the time…it’s both

~Everything is ok in the end. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end

~Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.

~When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on

~The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen--Elisabeth Kübler Ross

~You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you’ve got, and remember what you had. Always forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret. People change, things go wrong, but just remember life goes on

~And I’ve finally learned what life’s all about…hanging on when your heart’s had enough, and giving more when you want to give up

~When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”

~It’s not what they take away from you that counts. It’s what you do with what you have left

~No smile is more beautiful than one that struggles through tears

~Friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest…. It’s about who came, and never left your side.

Tell your heart to beat again...

I've tended to to analyze myself over and over again..."is being sick for so long my fault? What if I had handled everything perfectly the last several years, what if I had had more faith, what if I had caught my mistakes earlier...would I be in a different place today? Is this a punishment? Why am I watching others live "my" dreams while it is hard for me to make it through each day? What am I doing wrong?" 

I do believe there is a place for examining ourselves to make sure there is nothing we need to repent of...I have done that many times. At the same time, what I have to continually work on is taking everything to Yeshua and leaving it there. He has forgiven me, He is making everything new, and I have to take one day at a time, seeking His face, living to hear His voice. I am begging for that! I keep reminding myself that once I get one glimpse of His face, none of this will matter any more...none of the tears or pain or confusion will be important anymore. 

I want so much to be more for my friends and family, and it hurts me that I can't do more. It hurts me that I cry so often, that I need prayer so often, that I have to say I'm still not feeling well. Even if it's not my fault, I still feel like I'm letting others down. That's where I have to lay it all down, humble myself again, and remind myself that I can't live in regret. This is where the Father has me, and while I know He is healing me, I have to embrace where I am and seek Him with more fervor each day. Yeshua and His desires have to be my first pursuit, my only desires. I am so very thankful for my dear friends and family who have stuck by me all the way, prayed for me, loved me even when I can't do much in return. 

Anyways, this song really blessed me, and I wanted to share it with you all.

I am feeling the need to start journaling what our Father is doing in my life these days. I look back over the last 2 or 3 years, and it is hard to even process everything that has happened. I know there has been so much that I have not handled well, and so many things seem like a bad dream. But I can say that Yeshua has held my hand and walked me through each and every moment, and even through all the tears and confusion, He has never given up on me. 

I saw someone last night that I had not seen since last Spring, and he was so shocked and amazed by how I looked. I have gained quite a bit of weight since then! That got me thinking, so I pulled out a picture from a year ago and merged it with a picture taken in Jerusalem this past fall.

Wow, what a visual testimony of our Father's grace...The picture on the left was taken last January, when I weighed about 93 pounds. I knew I needed to gain weight, I knew I was dangerously underweight, but things seemed impossible. My body could barely handle the amount of food I was eating, and every time I tried to eat more, it seemed the pain, reflux, nausea and gastro-paresis symptoms worsened.

In January, I went to help out some friends of mine for a few days who had just had their 10th baby. While there, they impressed upon me that I needed to do whatever it took to gain weight, no matter the pain, because they didn't want me to miss out on all God has for me. I knew they were right, and that day was a turning point for me. I began to up my food intake, until I leveled out at about 3,000 calories a day.  The next  6+ months were full of pain and tears and confusion and many many times I was at the point of giving up. I am so thankful for my friends and family who rallied about me and wouldn't let me quit. The picture on the right was taken in October, I believe, weighing in 35 pounds heavier.

It's tempting for me to give in to discouragement and even hopelessness sometimes. I still feel so bad just about every day, and there are days I feel I just can't go on. My stomach still hurts every day, I still feel weak and dizzy and exhausted, I am still in pain, it is still hard to imagine what is like to feel good. But I was reminded last night that I have to remember what our God has done for me already! He has always seen me through, and I know He will not fail me now. 

Another verse I've been holding on to lately has been Joel 2:25 "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..."

I choose to believe His promises, knowing that He can redeem even these long years of sickness and pain. Father, help me never to give in to the temptation to feel like things will never get better. I trust you, and more than anything else, I want to walk hand-in-hand with you and to love you more and more each day...